A garden for butterflies

2012-01-30T20:04:00.000-05:00

Last week
At dinner one girlfriend (who knows about what happened with Toren) starts talking about how easy her pregnancy was - "I had the best pregnancy ever." I got up and left the table. I had to tinkle anyway and with the sudden annoying direction the conversation took it seemed like a good time to go right then. When I exited the ladies room my friend was right there, she gave me a hug and asked if I was ok. I said yes, and said that I had one of the worst pregnancies ever ("ever" is an exaggeration but it fit with her prior words and the pregnancy was not easy and it ended very poorly). There was no more pregnancy conversation that night. It was nice of her to check on me.

That's a good example of what the grief has turned into, for the most part. Not destroying. Not all consuming. Not evening ruining or grudge holding. But I'm also not going to sit quietly through conversations that are uncomfortable for me when I don't have to.

Today
I returned to my desk at work while two colleagues were in the middle of complaining about how messy their kids were (they don't know about my reproductive history). Not a problem, they talk about their children a lot and I inquire about their kids too. Then one said that I should have children and that a person really misses out on a lot by not having kids. Sort of a problem, this is not a conversation I want to have so I let them know that I've been trying but I don't seem able to conceive, thinking this will bring an abrupt end to the topic. I next hear how one of them had trouble conceiving but ended up with three. Further, she was the "poster child" of infertility and almost resorted to a donor (not sure if donor eggs or sperm) but she told herself that she could do it and voila! three kids! Now, we have a problem, they were still talking (not directly to me but more like discussing the topic I didn't mean to start to each other, loud enough for me to hear, ok, so they kind of were talking to me...) and I got up and left the office. I was about to take a shipment to the mail room anyway.

On the way back I stopped in a downstairs restroom and cried and cried then stopped by the cafeteria to get my usual lunch where one of the guys at the salad bar encouraged me to smile (usually I'm happy and bouncy at work) then returned to my desk where my office mates were super friendly and I answered questions about what was new with me and whatnot with nothing is new and everything is going well with my project at work. All smiles and blatantly not going to whatever place led to all of my make-up washing away.

I'm the newish one at the office and I'm friendly but not forthcoming with personal details. I'm the youngest one there but only by three years. I don't come into work with reports about driving kids to a bunch of activities but that isn't by choice. Just because I don't have stories about my family to tell doesn't mean that I don't have experience with family building - I actually have plenty of experience but there's just very little to show for all of the effort expended.

I'm very aware of how much I'm missing out on.

Moving on, but in what direction?

2011-12-28T09:43:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it feels like all we do is have discussions and cry. We both miss how our relationship was when we didn't live together and Monday he said he would move out and we will try to get back to how things were. Having him move out was exactly what I was wanting to happen, however it was so painful to hear him say those words. So it made for a rough afternoon. We decided he should wait until I found some housemates.

That evening we went to a movie to kill time then came home and had sex after which I immediately started hoping for a pregnancy.

I'm giving myself mixed messages.

This situation is not going to have a final answer anytime soon. Seriously, I do not have a clue about relationships.

So, the good news is that we have been getting along fantastically again! His mood perks up with pep talks so maybe I just need to give him frequent nudges to be happy and responsible.

.....

It is such a relief having Christmas now in the past. It was a lovely day! At the same time it was so far from how I want things to be.

Rather than clinging to the idea that Christmas has to be a certain way with lots of tradition I'm going to make sure to include doing something new every year. There will probably always be special breakfast and dinner with family or close friends (mostly because there's eating involved and I'm a huge fan of that), the tree will probably always be put up too, but maybe I'll use different decorations someday. I guess the point is that I want to approach each year with less rigidity so when changes come along I can see that as a chance to try something new rather than worrying about how to recreate the changed factor somewhere else.

There's still this idea that Toren should be here to open presents. And my husband should be here to make his special coffee for breakfast and to spoil us. We should have a second child by now. The bottom couple of feet of the tree should be free from my glass ornaments, in fact the whole tree should be decorated with adorable ornaments that Toren and his sibling(s) would hold and play with and declare specific ones as their favorites.

All of that is not going to happen. And as my maternal age advances further it's time to start making a backup plan to still be able to enjoy holidays, or any day, child-free.

I can't think about it anymore right now.

.....

Anyway, here is how I like my tree decorated - a glorious, monochromatic heap of silver, white, and black glass. And there's the velvet tree skirt that I made last month :)

Snugglebunny is allowed to help decorate it but he understands that I will move things around as "necessary". It all must be visually balanced. It must be perfect! And if someday all of the sharp objects and choking hazards are removed to accommodate the curious ways of toddlers, if colorful, durable ornaments are placed on the tree only as high as young children can reach, leaving the top half bare, that will be perfect too.

2011-12-20T16:11:00.000-05:00

You definitely know those moments when everything changes.

How about those thoughts that are so innocuous by themselves but all of a sudden you know that they can't be un-thought and things have changed now? I keep saying how I want to leave behind this house of memories and that I'm jealous that my husband got out of here. But it wasn't until about an hour ago that I thought about moving to a specific location. You can want to leave all you like but if you don't have anywhere to go it's harder to make that happen. My mom is talking about moving to Utah soon. I rather like Salt Lake City. I could move.

And it would be just me (and the cats), I would not invite my boyfriend. It feels absolutely horrible to convert that thought into a form of communication. I wouldn't be able to say it out loud.

Things have really not turned out as expected. Living together was supposed to be beautiful but instead there's too much of me supporting him financially, him being possessive, and way too many promises for the future that never seem to make it out of idea form. I am pretty miserable after one year of it and I don't know how to get out of living with him. He knows exactly what to say to get me to give it all another chance. I do love him and care deeply for him but more and more feel like this relationship is not going in the intended direction.

At what point is it sensible to say that the things you are doing are simply not working? Maybe it's time to stop trying to bend things to be how I want them. Maybe it's time to let the backyard remain swing set free. Maybe it's time to stop willing this to be a family home. Maybe it's time to move back in with my mother.

2011-12-12T22:33:00.002-05:00

Well. The holiday's are here. I kind of changed my mind about taking a lot of drugs this winter.

In the past 5-6 weeks I have:
- read 4 books
- painted two rooms in my house
- made the tree skirt that I bought all the fabric for four years ago
- hosted Thanksgiving dinner
- made 20 tree ornaments (hand sculpted from polymer clay and painted)

All in addition to the normal stuff so that's quite a bit of activity for me! What changed? I ran out of antidepressants and since I still don't have health insurance going to see my doctor for a prescription refill is out of my budget.

I have a history of depression and anxiety and it was over 4 years ago, on the day of Toren's birth defect diagnosis, when my ob/gyn questioned me about it and gave me handfuls of Lex.apro sample packets before leaving her office. I think I took the first pill in the parking lot. Eight days and one delivery of a stillborn later Xan.ax was added to the mix. Over the past 4 years I have also taken lithium, trazodone, cym.balta, wel.butrin, clonazepam, and there may have been one more that I can't remember right now, in varying combinations and doses.

It is incredible to FEEL again! And it is wonderful to have some energy. When I feel happy now it's an un-muted sense of joy that feels so genuine that sometimes I think I could burst! But the low moods are also untempered.

It's seems like there isn't a good solution to depression. Medication numbs all emotions. It feels like I haven't really been alive for the past 4 years, which is kind of good considering some of the things that happened, and now I would like be unmedicated but I don't know how long I can handle the dark moods.

.....

I sat down to write tonight after being overwhelmed by a wave of envy of women who have spouses or reliable boyfriends. While married I didn't realize just how great it was to have someone to share the burdens of the stuff life tosses at you. Being divorced and self-sufficient is good too but there are some things I struggle to handle and I wish I had some help.

.....

I've been out and about more which means running into my ex and he has said some messed up things to me, most of which I started to tell you about but those writings are still drafts in blogging limbo. Just two days ago he emailed asking if he could have any Christmas decorations I wasn't using. This will be our fourth Christmas apart and it's really confusing and upsetting for him to ask for items of our holiday's together after so much time has passed. There are more things I'm getting rid of and I said he could have those but I'm suspecting he was looking for something specific that I don't have (a family item that I never had, I think they forgot who actually possessed it) because he stopped replying after a while. He's moving soon. Back across the country. Instead of feeling relief that I wouldn't see him out anymore I feel so much sadness that the rift between us will never be repaired and also I'm so jealous that he gets to leave, again. I would love to just walk away from this house and the memories that have built up here.

.....

This feels like an unfinished thought but since drafts are way outnumbering published posts I'm just going to publish this now.

How are the holiday's treating you?

2011-09-22T22:59:00.000-04:00

This week I have been enjoying going to my NEW JOB!

My job is fantastic and the people that I work with are nice (which is a huge improvement over my last job) and it is a research position so I'm actually using my degrees (my last position was admin).

When I was laid off they took my work ID, which is expected but the photo on my card was important. The photo was taken during new-hire orientation - I had recently graduated, had just had a great summer with my husband, was excited in general, and I was pregnant. I think that was the only photo taken when I knew was pregnant and was not yet consumed by worry. I looked happy. It was painful to have that photo taken away and a few time I thought about contacting HR to see if I could get a photocopy of the card but I didn't want them to think I was crazy and I didn't want to explain why I wanted it so badly and I didn't want to hear that the card had been destroyed already.

The most unexpected things turn out to be important mementos of our missing children.

My new job is back with the same organization and this week I had to submit a photo for my new ID card. I took over 40 self portraits trying to duplicate the ease of the old photo but in them all I look too old, too strained, too plump, and just too weary to be that person from the old photo again. This is the one selected because when tiny (like it would be on a ID) I look cheerful enough.

I mean, it's fine but the last 4 years aged me more than 4 years should, you know? And now that the hardest parts are in the past and things are looking rather positive I still can't get back to appearing like nothing happened. I don't want most people to know about my son and my divorce anymore; I don't want to share that much. Anyway, I don't know where that thought is going...

I picked up my ID today and here's the photo it has on it

Apparently they kept the old photo on file and I'm so happy that they did :) It's a relief to have documentation of that short time of utter joy.

Sock it to me

2011-09-18T19:56:00.001-04:00

I love Kym's Sockeroo's! I want to give a huge "THANK YOU" to my sock buddy Alexicographer who leaves wonderful comments. Look at the adorable socks she picked out for me - wine and sweets! She totally hit the mark because I firmly believe that a drink and some chocolate are great coping mechanisms (wallowing in drunken sugar delirium is better than strangling someone)!

Kym gave the following thought to consider during this Sockeroo:
It has been roughly a year and a half since the last SITM Exchange. Reflect on the past 18 or so months – how has support from others, either in the blogosphere or otherwise, helped you?

Away from blogs I rarely seek support for the tough things because so many people are very uncomfortable with anything relating to grief or major loss. Even with blogging I'm getting quieter, however, when I do bother to say something the support is incredible! Upon publishing a post, most of the time I think I should have censored it more (to sound less insane), but more often then not the comments are supportive and there are so many other people who say they can relate.

One of the most striking things I got from group therapy was that there were other people who look competent and put together but who were struggling like I was. Even without really knowing each other listening, giving encouragement and truly wishing the best for others comes naturally in group therapy. Kind of like the babyloss blogosphere. I deeply want everyone of the people I have met through blogging to experience healing and see their dreams actualized and I believe there are people out there who wish the same for me.

Blogging has provided a very different type of relating with others. I am rarely open about my feelings concerning Toren, divorce, or rainbow making attempts with anyone in person. I think that expressing frustration and fear about not having conceived a baby yet is one of the more innocuous things I have expressed, but even that makes people look away. They don't want to ask how the threat of infertility makes me feel given that I have already had heartbreaking luck in making babies that live. But that is fine (truly!) because I can come here and say that I am so afraid that my parenting story ends with Toren that I can hardly breathe and I know that someone reading can face that horrible feeling with me. Having someone acknowledge your feelings helps so much.

Now, in real life I have been getting other types of support from my friends and family - wonderful things like love, companionship and fun! Knowing where to go for the kind of support you need is key.

Thank you all for the mountains of wonderful support you given me!

So, what about you? What are your thoughts about finding support for the things that hurt terribly?

2011-09-03T01:31:00.001-04:00

Reasons to not be in a relationship with me

1. Prior experience with marriage has removed all patience I have towards things that make me unhappy. That being said, it takes a lot to make me unhappy. But I'm afraid that once that balance is tipped it is hard to get me back to feeling secure.

2. Neurotic about babies.

3. Kind of emotionally unstable in general. However, this one is also a huge benefit much of the time since I'm generally agreeable from being well medicated (relates to point #1).

4. Not rich.

Why did I think that I'd be much better with a serious relationship because I'd been married? SB gets excited about "working through problems" and the idea of couples counseling, but to be honest, I have little interest in either right now.

Eh, I'm probably still grumpy from that last menstrual period.

.....

Reasons to DATE me

1. Generally in good spirits (really!)

2. Doesn't need much convincing to make-out

3. Good in bed

.....

Perks to dating or being in a relationship with me

1. Will pay for everything if the other person wants me to.

2. Doesn't complain about episodes of bad sex.

.....

SB moved in last December (replacing one of my housemates) with the agreement that he would contribute to the household bills. In reality it is very difficult to get him to pay anything and he never gives any money towards his rent without being asked for it. He is three months behind (the only reason why he is not further behind is because his entire tax return went towards his back rent). I am unemployed and he works and I am paying for his living expenses and I feel like an idiot.

We have a lot of fun together and it sucks that something as dumb as money has made me unhappy. We have discussed this over and over and I always believe promises given. It's to the point where I can't have a casual conversation with him because the main thoughts running through my head are about how dumb I feel because I'm in a bit of a financial pickle now. I can't lay in my own bedroom and fall asleep because I am so angry.

But I also know that once I get upset I can't see things rationally. Right now I think my best option is to ask him to move out and rent out the two spare rooms again (the second housemate moved out of state for an internship last month). Can anyone talk me off of the breaking up ledge?

2011-08-30T20:04:00.000-04:00

The music playing through the speakers on my desktop is a little too loud but it compensates somewhat for the rest of the house being so very quiet.

.....

Snuggle Bunny's friends are automatically presumed to be my friends too, which is great and I never even questioned this until the weekend before last when he was encouraging me over and over to have brunch with another couple because they really wanted to see us and this would be their last chance for a while since their baby would be born soon. I'd been feeling much more relaxed regarding the pregnancies of others, at least from a distance, but didn't feel like seeing how my PTSD was doing lately by sitting across a table from a full-term sized belly. I suggested that he go alone but he said that they are my friends too and they want to see me, which made me think that I would not spend time with the wife outside of parties and brunch. She's much too argumentative (have your own opinion but every once in a while you gotta shut up and listen to other people if you want to have friends). Brunch with a couple that I've seen occasionally for the past 2 years, and that I had just realized I didn't really connect with, did not seem worth risking my emotional state over. SB suggested I take a clonazepam before we left the house and get a mimosa with brunch. I did not take kindly to this suggestion of being sedated just to get through a stupid meal gracefully.

Things have not been super great between SB and me lately.

I'd been looking forward to an event tonight. Then, just when all I am missing is a layer of lipstick before walking out the door, SB faces his phone screen towards me so I can see the photo of the couples daughter who was born a few hours ago. And I'm really not trying to be a bitch about this or belabor the fact that my son didn't survive, but suddenly I felt the very opposite of hungry and being in a crowded, trendy gastro-pub all night no longer sounded fun. I said I would drive over myself in a bit (SB is the dj tonight so has to be there from before start and after finish).

I am happy and super relieved that a new baby has been safely delivered. I don't know why I'm reacting so poorly still. And while time has helped a great deal, the sadness is kind of transforming into deeper self loathing since I'm ashamed for still being bothered at all and I'm ashamed of not being pregnant yet. Oh, and I don't feel awesome for not having found a job yet either. On top of all of this here's how my last period went:
Monday a week ago - spotting, 5-7 days before a period should show up
Tuesday - bleeding
Wednesday - nothing!?
Thursday through Saturday - a fucking blood bath
Sunday - bleeding
Monday - wondering if it will ever end
Today - I think it's wrapping up

Meanwhile SB is determined to impregnate me and keeps talking about it. I give up! I'm uncomfortable in this relationship and have completely lost faith that the vision of having a family of my own (in which I would be relaxed and mentally stable) will ever happen.

My car was in the shop for a while and when picking it up a friend suggested that instead of continuing to dislike the car and desire trading it in for something else (just been waiting for a reason and, now, a source of income for car payments), I should just keep it and enjoy it. This is definitely the easier way to go. So I stopped thinking about how much I can't wait to get rid of that tiny sports car with no back seat and I'm simply enjoying how fast the little thing goes.

....

That all may sound sad, but overall I've had a great summer and I'm managing well given the stress of being unemployed. I've been meaning to write for months now but I'm tired of writing this story, I'm exhausted from Toren still being dead. The next chapter was supposed to be about rainbows.

Anyway, I've been chattering on about nothing every so often here.

2011-05-31T18:05:00.000-04:00

...Graceland...

Did you know that Elvis Presley had a twin who was stillborn or died at birth? The grave markers of both of Elvis' parents list them as the parents of Elvis and Jessie. I almost lost it; it was stunning to see that you can have freaking Elvis Presley as a child and still never, ever forget the child that died. We really are in it for the long haul, huh?

But it's also encouraging to see that it's ok, and normal, to remember the babies who so quickly fade out of the memories of others.

*****

...Seeking grace...

For a while you worry that you will forget, but that doesn't happen. Now, it's not so much that I worry that I'll never forget but I worry that some of these feelings will never end. I worry that I'll pretty much not give a shit about a lot of things ever again; things that used to be so important like credit scores, being successful and having lots of friends. I worry that it really was from something that I did and that I really don't deserve a living child. What if whatever the future brings is just a continuation of that sad story? I'm concerned that a big comeback into living fully is not going to happen.

Parallels

2011-05-16T19:23:00.000-04:00

Tonight I selected a Cabernet Sauvignon named Parallel 33 S, thinking it was good inspiration to contemplate parallel lives. In a parallel universe there was a known price for that wine and it was purchased instead of a lovely Malbec. Without getting deep into the theories, Hugh Everett III proposed that there are other universes, just like ours, except that different things happen, which would make each universe evolve differently. Critical events may not happen to *you* in some other universe. In some other universe you are raising that lost baby. In some other universe Toren is alive and my marriage took a turn for the better and perhaps in that universe I did not get laid off from my job, which indeed did happen here last Thursday.

The weekend went ok but Monday arrived with a new kind of blues. The lay-off was unexpected (but not surprising in hindsight) and sudden. Just like that I have nowhere to be anymore. Worse, just like that, they took back my ID, office key, and I still need to return to my office to pick up personal items, while supervised. This is so humiliating. Even though it was not performance based, I feel really lousy that a relatively small amount of money (I was not paid very well) was selected over keeping me around. I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone, after working there for 6 years, and now I don't want to run into anyone from there because I'm overcome by shame.

This much shame...

BTW, chocolate and wine is actually a healthy way to cope in my book, as long as it's occasional. On another day I'll talk about how I WILL NOT let losing a job where I was underpaid and going nowhere professionally get me down, in the meantime any stories of finding work after being laid off would be appreciated. Anyone have any advice on job hunting, or even getting through tomorrow?

Garbage

2011-05-11T00:26:00.002-04:00

Last Tuesday was off to an uncomfortable start from the get go (last post) so when my ex contacted me a few hours later asking to get together so he could give me some information for the re-negotiating the mortgage (another HUGE source of stress), I agreed. In my opinion, it's a wiser move to add a negative task to an already not great day than to a great day.

First, let me say that is really stinks that even if you divorce, everyone who was initially put on the mortgage is still responsible for the mortgage, no matter what the divorce papers say. It just makes things, like continued communication with your ex-husband who walked away from the freaking house leaving you with all of the stress of paying for it, annoying.

I suspected he really wanted to just talk.

He suggested Sta.rbucks, but I like that place so I suggested a bar that I don't really like going to (why risk creating bad memories at a location you like?). It started out well. We met in high school and were married for 11 years (that's 19 years of nearly daily contact) so there is a huge feeling of comfort just being near him. On some level he probably gets me more than anyone else does. But it was also uncomfortable for both of us, which makes me feel like a bar was a good choice (even though anything in excess of moderate drinking is not good) because I WANTED him to say all that was on his mind that night; I didn't want this to be a conversation that extended over time.

On our second drinks, I ask why he just signed another year's lease on his apartment when he wants to move to be near his mom. He'd been seeing someone (for 6 days), and they were really hitting it off, until the weekend of the March for Babies when he had some sort of breakdown about Toren and freaked out the girl. He made it a point to tell me that one main "flaw" with her was that she was not able to have children - why he thinks it's ok to tell that to the person who failed at making a baby that can live is beyond me. And, that he considers this a negative point in the person he is seeing is insulting for all women who struggle with family building.

Eventually, he asks me about the "elephant in the room", which I couldn't guess which elephant he was talking about so he asks "How are you and SnuggleBunny doing?". I hadn't mentioned my boyfriend to my ex-husband, because that seems rude, so I tell him we are doing well, SB is probably the funniest person I have ever met, and he is living in the house now. It seems totally inappropriate to tell the person I was last planning a family with that SB and I are hoping to have a baby soon, so I don't mention it. Saying something like that could be hurtful.

Then he says "You probably know I was seeing Karen*".
* = names are NOT changed to protect the innocent

At which point I order a third glass of wine. I didn't know he was seeing Karen. Why would I know that? Karen, the female part of a couple we used to spend time with; a couple that split up soon after we did. Karen, who has two adorable young sons who I played video games with and watched movies with on mornings when we stayed over at their house. Apparently they got pretty serious for a while there. Serious enough that she and her family are friends with his family on FB, while his family have never wondered if I was doing ok (although, he probably didn't say that he dumped my ass and instead he would have spouted off some victimizing lies and implied that our separation was mutually decided upon). He probably tucked those boys into bed.

A week later it still makes me angry that he thought it was ok to tell me about a relationship he had, with one of our mutual friends, with a woman who can make living baby boys. There was so much more involved, but basically he left me and hooked up with a woman who has living, beautiful sons.

Giving birth to a dead baby is so unattractive.

Soon he starts to do things on his computer, preparing to email the mortgage information to me and I'm freaking out and self conscious so try to look important by sending a text to SB letting him know I'll be home soon and then to Debbie, admitting that I need to look busy right now and thanking her for her support.

*****

At home I pour another glass of wine, talk to my dad on the phone about my plan to start prostitution to afford this damn house, and then I go quiet and SB looks over and I tell him about how sad something I'm reading is and I start to read aloud Mandy's words from this post and then I'm sobbing. SB then makes me go to bed, which was exactly what I needed, and he hugs me for hours.

*****

Yesterday, four years ago, I graduated from a masters program. I felt like we were so put together. Ex and I had a house (2 spare bedrooms and a big backyard), cars, and my education was done for now. We had come MILES from where our own parents were. I wanted my children to be WANTED, and although Toren was conceived several months sooner than expected (I planned a few months to get the hormonal contraceptives out of my system), he was planned for and there were years of preparation for HIM.

"But the diaper bag remains untouched."

I don't think there is anything I want more than a family of my own. But it's more sick than that ... there is part of me that needs to pick up where the ex and I left off ... I so want that decade of preparation to lead to something other than a broken heart. I can't imagine, or really desire, a pregnancy leading to someone other than Toren. And there is no way to express this to SB without hurting his feelings.

*****

Divorce is hard.

But not nearly as hard as walking out of the hospital while your child's body is taken to the morgue.

One foot in front of the other until it's been almost 4 years and you wonder how it's possible that so much time has passed. He was so precious ... how has time continued without him? Part of me is still there waiting, arms held out waiting to be given something other than a memory box.

My response

2011-05-03T10:05:00.001-04:00

Thank you for your note. I'm not sure what to say.

Out of the thousands of feelings from the last 3.5 years I never once have felt like an amazing person. It's more like I am just a person getting through an amazingly bad situation through any means available. Grief is hard and processing it is rarely pretty or nice. You and I took different routes in dealing with Toren dying, and it kind of is as simple as that.

I hope that you have resources for getting through your grief.

*****

I decided that there was no way that I could write anything eloquent as a reply to his message (prior post) while avoiding my usual pitfalls of manipulation, pity-parties, rancid bitterness and over-sharing so I just wrote a reply, deleted half of it, then clicked the send button.

Being called "amazing" makes me very uncomfortable because I'm not sure there was one positive "amazing" aspect about dealing with Toren's death and then that lousy, drawn-out divorce. Amazingly angry, amazingly hurt, and amazingly lonely all fit. An amazing amount of wine was consumed for a while there...

Participating with the March for Babies is a good thing, but also mixed up with the wish that the money raised will lead to fewer deadbabies I used it to let my friends and family know that I was still hurting and each donation and lack of donation has been tallied. I used fundraising as a tool to gauge who I could depend on for emotional support. And perhaps at the very same moment that the ex was thinking that I was "amazing" I was choking back tears and thinking about how I will not participate in the March for Babies next year unless I have my rainbow baby. In all reality, I'll be too strung out from the illicit drug habit I'll be developing over next Christmas, because I cannot face another fucking family oriented holiday with just Toren's memory, to show up on time for the walk anyway. AMAZING!!!

The March for Babies is about hope and it's inspiring to see so many people out there walking with their strollers and children. I am not strong enough to face another March for Babies with unfulfilled hope.

*****

Thank you all for your comments and texts. Seriously, with all my heart, thank you. I'm not ok right now, but I will be later. I really wish divorce came with more emotional relief.

Was he drunk?

2011-05-01T21:19:00.000-04:00

Perhaps. This was send to my phone and email during the noon hour on Saturday, from my ex-husband.

"Thank you so much for walking for Toren today. You are an amazing person. I am so sorry things happened the way they did. I never wanted to hurt you. I am sorry. Thank you for being amazing. Thank you for remembering when i worked so hard to forget."

It will take about a year for me to figure out a response.

I am both filled with compassion and compassionless; both filled up to the brim and devoid of patience.

TMI + grumpiness

2011-04-21T11:46:00.000-04:00

Ahhh, nothing like waking after a night of cramps and thunderstorms to the first period sans birth control. We are not TTC quite yet but it's still disappointing that there wasn't an accident. And terrifying. The wait to see if I'll have trouble conceiving is terrifying, because I don't have a plan for coping if a rainbow baby with my rainbow partner does not work out. I can't imagine losing hope again.

Gushing blood, eyes tired and puffy from lack of sleep and a short cry before getting out of bed, cramps, hoping for a short day at work but then finding out I'll be attending a late meeting for my boss, and then not one, but TWO emails announcing the births of healthy baby boys! Isn't life funny?!

Excuse me while I laugh myself straight into the looney bin.

2011-04-18T10:37:00.000-04:00

This makes a great fight song for betrayed lovers, and the video is stunning and symbolic. It has a great rhythm for throwing dishes, tossing your ex's clothes onto the lawn, and slashing tires :)

But there's also a huge dose of reality because even while you are inspired to improve your life and fuck their shit up it's so impossibly sad that a relationship that was so close to being gorgeous turned toxic.

"Don't underestimate the things that I will do" - just as soon as I can stand up.

How are you feeling?

2011-04-14T11:47:00.000-04:00

I'm divorced. The official letter arrived last Friday. Because the ex has moved since we filed and his letter would have been sent to his old address, I sent him an email letting him know that it was all over and asking if he would like me to send him a scan of the letter (because there is something wrong with me and I can't stop accommodating him). He ended his 3 sentence reply by asking how I was feeling, and figuring out a response to that question has really had me confused.

What did he mean by asking me that? How am I feeling emotionally about our divorce, or was I sick last time we corresponded and he's asking about my health? His was a simple question gently laid on top of a tumultuous history.

On one hand it felt nice that he may care, while on the other, how I'm feeling is none of his business. Should I ignore it? Should I respond with truth or fluff? Which truth should I respond with - the one of annoyance and hurt about there being so little closure to this breakup that he instigated, or the truth of how relieved I am that he stopped being such an asshole about the settlement so that we could divorce? What about the truth of how I once loved him dearly and devotedly?

No closure. He decided that our marriage would end, but other than expressing a need to be happier, he didn't give other reasons and he gave me no say in it. If he's asking how I am feeling maybe he's really not such a jerk anymore; maybe he is turning back into the person I thought he was. Maybe his rotten behavior of the past several years was temporary while he worked through the death of our son. What if he truly cares how I am feeling about our divorce and it turns out that I just became divorced from a guy who is great again, the guy who I met at age 16, the guy who was my best friend and then husband for half of my life?

But then the brain gears started really turning . . .
It's a long shot but what if my ex really has turned into the person I vowed to spend my life with, what would that really mean?

Nothing.
It's too late for who he is, or has the potential to be, to mean anything to me. I am so happy with my boyfriend and we are making plans for our future together. I have a great thing going with him and that really can't be said enough. My ex-husband can be fantastic or foul but whoever he truly is requires no decision making on my end. I don't need to discover if he is now great or not because that does not have any bearing on the choice I am making to wholeheartedly and open-heartedly be with my awesome SnuggleBunny!

What I have now is wonderful! And that, my friends, is closure.

Rambling then a charting question

2011-04-13T13:53:00.000-04:00

Every woman in my department is pregnant. EVERY ONE OF THEM ;)

AND the closer in physical proximity they are to me the more likely it is they will have a boy. A couple of years ago EVERYONE had son's but now there are some baby girls, but only if the woman's desk is at least 30 feet away from my desk.

I'm very happy today and these thoughts are making me laugh at myself. It all started when one of my students said his wife was having a baby this summer. They have a toddler son who is adopted and conceiving a child was not something they expected. It's now a story that their friends of friends will use as encouragement to infertile couples - "Just adopt, then you will get pregnant!". Anyway, I gave him a high five.

*****

My situational infertility is coming to an end and it is helping with situations like this. Thoughts of "that will never be me. I will never have a baby" are being replaced with "that may happen to me soon".

According to my fertility charting, I did not ovulate this month. Which is worrisome, even though I know I should be more strict on getting basal body temperatures at the same time each day and this is the first cycle since stopping hormonal contraception. The first 10 days or so were just like the examples said they should be but temperatures and cervical fluids have been all over the chart since then ;)

My temperatures were taken before getting out of bed but are they useless because they were taken at different times of the morning?

Horrible

2011-03-31T14:27:00.000-04:00

Usually I can tell the instant a pregnant woman is near but I was fooled last night by a baggy t-shirt and conversation that was not initially pregnancy-centric. But I'm calming down about that anyway; learning of a pregnancy is not like being emotionally stabbed anymore, it's more like a healed injury. For a real life analogy, the knee I broke last summer feels just fine 97% of the time, but every once in a while I'll step funny and yowzers! Although, my heart that broke for Toren doesn't feel fine 97% of the time yet.

Anyway, I decided to stay present and not get swept away by memories and that went well, though I did drink a little too much wine, and got quieter and quieter as the conversation got louder and louder, and was the first one to leave. But it did get to the point where she expressed how unpleasant it is being pregnant and joked that she was keeping a journal reminding herself not to get pregnant again.

She said "pregnancy is HORRIBLE!"
And I thought, "Lady, you don't even know how horrible pregnancy can be."

*****

The first ultrasound with Toren was supposed to be around 9 weeks and even though I was certain of my menstrual period dates the ultrasound revealed that he was actually almost 13 weeks gestation (that last one sure looked like a menstrual period). I was so happy to be further along because that was closer to when the nausea was expected to ease up. Being pregnant really does make some people feel horrible. And then to have it end horribly makes it a mystery why a subsequent pregnancy even sounds like a good idea at all.

Really, why do we want to risk repeating that experience again? Is this my biological clock creating this sense of urgency to repeat something that was horrible?

1, 2, 3

2011-03-28T22:58:00.000-04:00

1

These are the loneliest day, the terrorversaries.

These have become the days when it hurts the most that his father left me behind to handle these days alone - to remember our son alone.

Today is the third anniversary of a day when nothing happened. Had his story taken a different path, Toren would have been 3 years old.

******

2

The day after the prior post I had a very important therapy session, though it's hard to describe why. Here's some rambling: People with children do sometimes kill themselves. If Toren had lived, my marriage probably would not have improved enough to make it good. The same persistent problems would have returned once the difficult aspects of raising a child emerged. This is not some sort of comparison that ends with determining that it's a fucking blessing that Toren is dead because now I'm out of a bad marriage, this is letting go of the dream I was clinging to that Toren living would have meant that my husband I would only grow closer and closer.

Sometimes I miss my ex more than I could ever say out loud, and that makes me so angry that he could not be the person I thought he was.

******

3

Birth control has run out and cycle charting has begun. Even while dutifully logging temperatures and whatnot, I can't believe that a baby could be the end result.

2011-03-17T23:21:00.004-04:00

I'm going to tell you a story because I don't know who else to tell. You all, my necessary, anonymous friends.

My part in it was very small. It was Thanksgiving Day, 2008. I had spent the previous week involuntarily admitted to a mental hospital after a suicide attempt on a Sunday afternoon. Toren had been dead for just over a year. One of my closest friends from the past (the mommy mobile girl, for anyone who has been following and remembering this bitter sob story from the first year) had just given birth to a son and he was very ill. I was having constant anxiety attacks; overwhelmed by something more complex than jealousy, it was utter confusion about why she got a live baby and I didn't, but also unmaintainable concern that she would lose her son too. And I was driving my husband nuts. He wanted me to be nothing but happy for our friends who were new parents, but I couldn't do that. I couldn't get beyond the hugely complex, uncomprehensible emotions of my dead baby, her live but sick baby, and in hindsight, the lack of support I had from the man who was un-becoming my best friend. The Saturday before (suicide Sunday, to jump around terribly) my husband was out at a nightclub, as usual, while I was at home, unable to face a night of dancing post dead-baby, as usual. With bottles of wine, as usual. That Saturday night I really needed someone, but they were all out dancing. Saturday turned into Sunday and I continued with tears, alcohol, then tossed the contents of all medicine in the house into the mix when my husband said he was going to move out. My husband MADE me get into the car and I hugged Toren's memory box all of the way to the nearest ER. The memory of Toren was the most beautiful and painful thing, but on that day, it felt like all I had. I didn't know if I was on my way to be with Toren, but there was no longer much point to be alive if I was going to be so alone.

The hospitalization was one of the best things that ever happened to me, once it was over anyway. It is very scary to be forced to go somewhere. It was very late at this point, I rode in the back of a sheriff's car, was strip searched upon arrival, sedated, and sent to bed for a few hours before the mandatory time to start the day. My husband came for a "family" therapy session a few days later and the therapist expressed her thoughts that any trouble between us could be repaired and I believed her. I was able to leave after four days to enter out-patient treatment. I only told one friend about it and carried on like everything was fine.

I think I brought a pear frangipane tart to Thanksgiving dinner at a friends house, just like in previous years because everything was "fine". Thanksgiving at my friends house was our new tradition and all sorts of people stopped by while those like us, who didn't have family nearby, stayed all day. There was a couple there that I hadn't met before and their two children were there as well. I'd estimate that the little girl was around 4 or 5 and her brother was a year or two older. The couple was really cool; young like us, tattooed, into the same club scene. At first I felt uncomfortable around such adorable, young children, but before even a few hours past I was running around the yard with the kids playing games. The kids and their Mom sat by me at dinner and we kept each other entertained. The little girl had a tin of powdered pink lemonade with a tiny spoon and I helped her make lemonade. After dinner on the deck all of the adults chatted and the girl held on to my hands and shook her head wildly, so wildly that she would have fallen over if she weren't hanging on to me. She did this over and over and we all laughed.

Not that these were my motives, but I thought my husband would see how happy I was, and how fun I could be with kids by how I interacted with these children and surely we would mend our marriage. SURELY, we would resume our family building plans. We could be like this great couple who had the lifestyle we had but also had children! We had met role models. But on the drive home I laid my head on the center console where his arm was and he moved away, and later that night the discussion began again - nothing had changed with him, he had no desire to see if our marriage could survive.

I never saw that couple again. I never went to Thanksgiving at my friends house again. There were those horrible months of being so alone and feeling suicidal for so long, but thankfully I had the mandatory out-patient treatment to go to 3 times a week plus my regular therapy. And the one friend I had told about my mental hospital stay kept me afloat through that time. And my story moved on. My SnuggleBunny is in this very room playing a game on his computer, in our home.

In early February the wife of that couple died. Piecing information together, it sounds like she committed suicide after her husband fucked another woman.

Her husband killed himself a few hours ago.

I bet that no one could even comprehend their truths. I can't believe that I survived and they didn't.

My heart breaks for their story and their orphaned children. May they all find peace.

2011-03-17T13:27:00.001-04:00

Thank you all so much for your encouragement on my last post. It really means so much to get support for a story that involves an issue that is so controversial. I don't think of Toren as being aborted, even though it does fall into that category. I think of it more like his pregnancy was terminated. I don't think that most early elective abortions are taken lightly but there were so many things to consider with Toren and none of them were anywhere close to "is this a good time for a baby?". That's very shallow and stereotypical since there are thousands of other questions to consider with an early elective abortion, but I'm trying to say that the terms feel so different that it ... I can't find words for it. I was very pro-life where Toren was concerned - if only preparation, determination, and love could make organs grow.

******

I'm in a slump. Just this week I started fundraising for the March for Babies (check out Toren's cute little face in the sidebar) and it's going to be a very half-assed effort. Raising money for the March of Dimes is important, but right now Japan could use a great deal of help so maybe I'll feel better about encouraging people to donate to this, not-so-urgent, cause in a few weeks. Anyway, this is my 3rd year walking in the March for Babies and it has been a positive experience. If you are considering doing something in memory of your baby, look into the March for Babies and see if you think it will assist with your healing.

It's not clear why I'm so tired and down lately. I'll have a good week, then a bad week (last week was good). Meds have been tinkered with and along with increasing doses my body is plumping, plumping, plumping.

For the past 6 weeks I've hardly been drinking wine. I thought that would be the key to ending this LONG period of depression but it didn't exactly work that way. Inspired by Reba's post's about telling a story in six words, here's what I wrote a few weeks ago:

Drunk or not, baby is dead.

The 3+ years of consuming impressive amounts of wine did exactly as intended and covered up a lot of grief so stopping this prompted an unending flood of thoughts about Toren for several weeks. And that's become the emotional theme lately:
do March for Babies or not, baby is dead
plan/hope for rainbow baby, Toren is dead
Any action or mindset, positive or negative, does not erase the past that I so want to un-do.

This is what I said

2011-03-10T16:48:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I gave a testimony before my State Senate in opposition of a bill that would make any pregnancy terminations beyond 20 weeks gestation illegal with the only exception being if the mother's life was in immediate danger. Did I ever expect to be speaking out against an abortion bill? No. Even though I am pro choice I'd rather not be involved with a subject with such controversy. But I think that mostly pregnancies where there is a shitty prenatal diagnosis will be impacted with this bill and it is such an awful time when you hear that your fetus is very unwell that removing options is NOT HELPFUL.

I don't talk about this much here because I don't want to receive a single hateful comment. It's one thing to say your opinion, and something entirely different to spew mean words just because you don't agree with the view of someone else. I can understand why a woman would choose to carry to term but I don't think it is the best choice for every fetus and every family.

Anyway... this post may not stay up long.

Testimony for Senate Bill, March 2011

Thank you for the time to tell you about my son today. My name is Anna M. and the following events took place in 2007. In that year I finished my Master’s degree, my husband and I celebrated our 10-year anniversary, we had already bought a 3-bedroom house with a big back yard, and we decided to start a family. It was a difficult pregnancy nearly from the start, but those were also some of the happiest months of my life. We already knew our baby was a little boy and we were beyond excited about the anatomy ultrasound to see images of him again and see how he was doing. The anatomy ultrasound at almost 19 weeks gestation showed that there was no amniotic fluid and the baby was very difficult to see. There are several causes of absent amniotic fluid and in my son’s case it was due bilateral renal agenesis, which means his kidney’s did not develop. He was also missing his stomach and bladder. Amniotic fluid is necessary for the development of the baby’s lungs and the absence of it leads to a constellation of physical features known as Potter’s syndrome. Because the baby is not cushioned by amniotic fluid the mother’s organs press on the growing fetus causing physical deformities including abnormal limb growth and flattened facial features. This is a fatal condition and babies that survive the pregnancy and delivery will die of respiratory failure once they are born.

The doctors had to explain the diagnosis over and over to me because it was so hard for me to accept that they were describing my child. My husband and I had spent years preparing for a family and months bonding with this baby. Our family members were already in love with this baby. We wondered if he would be musically talented like his dad or interested in science like me. His nursery would be decorated with a jungle theme and he would have dinosaur pajamas. We were going to breastfeed for as long as possible and learn baby sign language. There are not words to describe how hard it is to switch from planning for your baby’s future to the reality that he cannot live.

Immediately there were choices to be considered about how the pregnancy should proceed from that point. It is definitely surreal to be weighing the pros and cons of the terms of your own child’s death. One good way to describe it is having to make a decision when there are no good outcomes no matter what option is selected. When considering continuing the pregnancy, I could not imagine how I would ever leave the house or face anyone knowing that my baby was going to die. I didn’t know how I would be able to answer innocent questions about my pregnancy without weeping and health wise, it would be safer for me to deliver early. My husband stopped touching my stomach, trying to distance himself from his son and trying to ignore his grief. But the most important factor in deciding to terminate the pregnancy was that I didn’t want my son’s life to be spent in an environment that was so cramped that his body grew deformed and he couldn’t move around, only to suffocate upon birth. My son was not going to live, regardless of when he was born, and as his parents, my husband and I had to consider the quality of his short life.

Legislation restricting all pregnancy terminations after 20 weeks gestation, except when the mother’s life is in danger, ignores the families where a fetus tragically receives an adverse prenatal diagnosis. Many serious conditions are discovered at the anatomy ultrasound which happens around 20 weeks gestation and it can take several weeks to get further testing so it is not unusual for women to pass the 20 week mark before a final diagnosis is made. And importantly, some time is needed to make an informed decision regarding continuing or terminating the pregnancy. Carrying to term is not in the best interest of all women and their families for a variety of physical and mental health reasons. Additionally, carrying to term can mean that the fetus suffers for a longer period of time and has a more traumatic death. Please keep these families in mind when considering legislation with so many restrictions.

2011-02-21T10:56:00.000-05:00

I make myself read Face.Book and post the occasional funny animal photo. I'm just not a fan of that form of communication, but with so many people using it it's kind of antisocial NOT to be active on FB. So today began with a pregnancy announcement, complete with photos of the first ultrasound and the positive pee stick, and a list of things prego chick has wanted to say to people over the last 2 months but couldn't because it was still a secret. I had heard the news a few days earlier but it's different/much worse to see all the excitement written out, complete with visual aids.

Today I'm bitter. And angry. And so sick of being stuck in deadbaby-land, with all of it's loneliness and heartache. And I'm not leaving anytime soon.

The pregnancy announcement prompted the conversation with SnuggleBunny about a baby of our own and he's very open to that but doesn't want to start TTC until June. June isn't far away ... not really. But right now it feels equivalent to never. I told him I would do my best to be patient but that I'm feeling desperate lately, only to hear that desperation is not a reason to rush towards parenthood. Desperation seems like a pretty good reason to me!

I am desperate to not have all of my pregnancies end with deadbabies. I am desperate to stop feeling so hopelessly out of place around people with children. It's coming up on 4 years since my husband and I decided to start a family but that is a past that SnuggleBunny doesn't share with me. Having him impose his own time-line for our baby makes me irrationally angry.

TTC in June means that if we are successful right away that pregnancy will occur at a similar time as Toren's. Could I handle a potential pregnancy loss happening around Toren's terror-versaries?

48 days from now

2011-01-31T11:00:00.003-05:00

Most of my energy is spent with work lately and it's so draining that when I'm not there I collapse. Crossing my fingers and wishing on stars for a happy solution.

Anyhoo, here are some random thoughts

Last night I dreamt that I delivered a living, full-term but teeny tiny boy - Toren, or at least Toren's size - and my mother was babysitting. When I arrived she had a house full of guests for a pool party and I couldn't find my baby and I couldn't find my mother to ask where she had put him down for a nap. There was no panic involved, I just asked people if they knew where my son was. It's like he's always safe and nearby but I can't get to him.

The weather yesterday was LOVELY and SnuggleBunny and I spent hours outside working on the yard. This year I'll be maintaining and adding to the butterfly garden, then there will be the two vegetable gardens, and I'm starting the pixie garden! The pixie garden will be filled with strange plants, tons of flowers, and cute, shiny decor. SnuggleBunny totally gets my vision for it and was even pinched by a "pixie" while clearing out dead branches (there was nothing there when he turned around). It's an unusual space. I'll take some photos of the transformation.

On Saturday I had a PTSD response to a friend telling me she and her sweet boyfriend were planning to have a baby. I'm happy for her, truly happy and I think it is a great idea for them. But the news still led to isolation, hours of weeping, and an early bedtime for me. At least I can recognize that I'm reacting to old trauma when my mood shifts so dramatically but that still doesn't stop it from happening yet. I wonder if this response is limited to hearing about other people's babies or if freaky moods will happen if I'm ever pregnant again myself. Will finally getting a child of my own ease that response?

Yesterday was day one of the second to last Nu.va Ring. There are 48 days until the last one is removed and that is when I want to stop taking birth control. Plenty could change during that time so it's not a firm plan, in fact SnuggleBunny doesn't even know the plan, so I guess that conversation should happen soon. But for 48 days I intend to focus on happy things, being healthy, and being responsible, because maybe it will be time for a rainbow.

That's all. So sorry for the totally random post and the lack of commenting (still!). I miss you all and hope that more time to contemplate, read, and write will arrive soon.

OMG, just say SOMETHING

2011-01-13T12:36:00.002-05:00

Being quiet here is kind of just the tip of the iceberg; I've been quiet everywhere, virtually and IRL. I've been reading a little and commenting hardly at all and I miss you all so much.

Rather than the injection of joy I was expecting, depression has been crushing me since SnuggleBunny moved in last month. I can't tell what the problem is. Perhaps these would have been depressing holidays regardless of having my boyfriend move in, but very quietly I'm wondering if I'm going to ruin this relationship. He is very patient though and this is a huge change so I'm still hopeful that our living together will work out well.

It's time to consciously stop isolating so much though, so here's an update on things I wouldn't tell anyone else:

1. The stock of nu.va rings in my fridge is down to 2 and if I actually want to get pregnant this year perhaps it's a good idea to not get any refills on that prescription. Two. That creates some pressure since it would be best to not be so depressed, or at least know what is behind the depression because if longing for a child is making me this sad, then trying for pregnancy could be a good thing. Having this un-firm time limit is overwhelming at moments but also exciting. Very exciting at times.

2. This morning I ordered the following books
Trying Again - because I may be preparing to try again (but I could still chicken out!)
Momma Zen - in case trying again turns successful
Hand Wash Cold - because it may have things to think about even if trying again is not successful
and a 5 year diary of my very own, inspired by Her Five Year Diary, which is completely delightful even though the entries are pretty mundane so far. I can't wait to start recording the boring highlights of my days!

3. I started a photo blog but haven't made a post yet. There are several motivating factors behind this, first I am so fucking depressed that I hoped having a goal of taking photos would be a fun and positive thing to do. Even taking photos that put an image to depression would at least be interacting with the world. Also, I wanted to have a blog to share with real life family and friends so I could honestly express thoughts and feelings to them, but I may not be comfortable with this. Why is it so hard to open up to family sometimes? Recently my dad told me about one of the ladies in his neighborhood who has been very depressed lately and how he makes sure that she is doing ok and that she knows that people care about her. He said this reminded him of me since I had gone through depression recently. Since he thought I had beat depression, I didn't know how to tell him that I had hardly answered the phone or emails for weeks because I was too busy isolating. Is it fair to my family to keep them in the dark about how I'm doing? Is it fair to me to cut off that potential source of support?

Eh, I'm out of words again. How about some photos from winter?
*****

This is Toren's ornament collection. See the lovely blue one with Toren's name painted on it? It's from Jenn :) Many, many thanks to Jenn for thinking of Toren!

Memorial bricks placed in garden

Gluten free, cranberry apple pie on Christmas day - yum!

2010-12-16T11:43:00.004-05:00

In so many ways the grief of losing Toren has eased. Time doesn't heal but doing grief work helps you learn to live with devastating sorrow, so as time progresses you feel better in a lot of ways. With an air of confidence and shallow expertise, people on the outside consider this "time" "healing" wounds.

This is the 4th Christmas since Toren died but instead of feeling the progressive sense of relief that time is supposed to bring, I feel so angry and sad.

5 Christmases ago, in 2006, I silently smiled to myself and thought that the number of holiday's spent with just my husband and I were almost over. One year after that we were both reeling and numb from our son's death. The next Christmas I was one month out from hubby abandoning our sinking ship of a marriage and from being hospitalized for a suicide attempt. Again I was numb.

Last year the holiday was spent with my sweet new boyfriend :) He moved in last weekend! However he's been away for work for 2 weeks so things have not been as fun as anticipated.

At times I feel so much peace and so much relief those very, very hard years are in the past. I am lucky. I am loved. But then I'm also pretty damn pissed off to be spending another Christmas without children!

*****

I had wanted 3 children, and would have had to have them almost back to back given my advancing maternal age (ugh!). So had things gone according to plan, Toren would be a few months shy of 3 years old right now, and he would have a sibling, and plans for the third baby would be in progress. This parallel life makes this holiday feel so quiet. And it is a reminder that I probably will not have time to birth 3 living children, and even though I don't want that many anymore, it is still a dream to wave goodbye to.

*****

If I don't have a baby on the way next Christmas (that looks like it will live), I am going to freak out.

Freak. Out.

*****

How are y'all holding up this holiday season?

2010-12-09T11:44:00.000-05:00

The woman at the cafe counter was very kind to me today and called me "Sweetie". Was this inspired by a recent customer service pep-talk, something joyful in her life, or a compassionate reaction to my face that is blotchy and red from weeping through a therapy session? After 3 years of productive therapy how is there still anything to cry about?

2010-11-22T18:29:00.000-05:00

Telling someone about Toren has happened twice in the past 6 days, which is very weird because it is not easy to work a deadbaby into a conversation, as you all well know. I didn't ever use his name; most people do not ask about his name.

Today I found out that the person I told last week is pregnant with her second baby. Why do I feel like an idiot for telling her something so personal now that I know that she knew that she was pregnant at the time? I hope it didn't scare her. But also, a moment where I may have "connected" with someone doesn't seem that way at all anymore since she is carrying life while I'm a bearer of death. Opposites. One is clearly inferior.

*****

The plan for today was to happily tell you that the papers for my divorce were filed, but DH (Damn Husband, in this case) flaked out again. This shouldn't have been a surprise or a disappointment, but it was both. I contacted him last week to prod him along and promptly got sick and spent 2.5 days in bed. I often get sick after contacting him. Illness brought on by exposure to Agent Ex. And the funny thing is I was almost at the point where I felt mostly compassion towards him and I was working on kind of the last emotional barrier which was being able to wish a happy life for him. I could feel not-anger towards him, but I still wanted to be happier than he is, but it would be so freeing to wish blessings on him just like he were a normal person, you know? But now I'm just super annoyed and I do not feel fondly towards him AT ALL right now.

And for anyone who is struggling with ewwwy feelings towards their ex don't feel like you have to feel compassion towards the jerk, I got close only by the grace of Cym.ba.lta.

2010-11-17T14:10:00.001-05:00

Tonight is the annual candle lighting service for the SHARE group here. It's a really special time. Everyone brings a candle and says a few words when lighting them. We also decorate a tree to donate to a local hospital so everyone brings an ornament in memory of their baby. I buy two now, one for the tree and one to keep, since the first year I couldn't leave Toren's ornament behind. We can also bring mementos.

This morning I packed up Toren's dinosaur memory box with the dinosaur pajamas, stuffed dinosaur, a candle, the ornaments (yes, both so I can actually have one to hold on the way home). Then I decide to bring his little hat and some photos. I wanted to print off some pictures instead of bring any Polaroids or ultrasound photos, because those are irreplaceable.

I don't look at the disc of photos taken by the hospital often but when I do I scroll through them over and over and it seems like there are so many! Today I noticed that they are all numbered 1 through 17. That's not a lot of photos considering there will never be more pictures taken of Toren. Seventeen digital photos, about 6 Polaroids, and a handful of ultrasound pictures as proof that he was here for a little while. The photos printed off dim and hazy, hopefully just indicating that the ink is low, but that's how those days in the hospital to deliver feel - hazy. The visual memories are all a blur of soft edges and muted colors. The physical memories are sharp - stabbing contractions, my heart feeling like it was being squeezed, wrung out, twisted apart.

When it was time to leave the hospital after delivering I couldn't even imagine leaving Toren behind. You know what it's like. Even now I don't know how I walked out of that room. Even now I don't think I'm strong enough to leave him behind like that. I think I was given some Xanax. I put on sunglasses before leaving the room, not because I was ashamed of puffy, red eyes full of tears, but because I needed a barrier so that there would be no risk of making eye contact with anyone.

Even though I get very anxious about Toren's things when they are away from the house, the dinosaur box stayed in the car while I went to my office. Then there was a small fire in my building. Sitting outside waiting for news I imagined the fire engulfing the building and leaping over to the parking garage putting Toren's irreplaceable hat at risk of burning up! Even though the fire was probably extinguished already and the parking garage is concrete and not very flammable, my heart started beating faster and faster and my throat tightened. To rescue myself, I rescued the dinosaur box from the absent flames.

And that is how I came to be sitting at my desk with the dinosaur box sitting at my left elbow.

My maternity leave

2010-11-11T12:50:00.000-05:00

Co-worker, "CW", who I'm covering for, AGAIN, when she has her second son next month, is thrilled today because she just got a much coveted day care spot for the wee one, beginning in December. The baby will be too young to go in December but this means that she can return to work whenever she wants to. It turns out that she was crying last night at the thought of having to stay home alone with the baby because "they don't do anything".

I teased her by saying "Poor, poor, CW, having to stay home with the baby."

Of course it's annoying to hear someone talk about not wanting to be around their kids too much, and it's especially rude of her to say such inane things to me when she knows that my son died, but that is not upsetting me - it feels more like a fact of life to be dealt with. I'm annoyed because no one wants to hear my plan for maternity leave, even though it makes sense that no one is concerned since I'm not pregnant. But I will probably try to get pregnant within the next year and MAYBE I'll even get a baby that lives at the end of it and I will get maternity leave. Although, next time that I get a dead baby I'm taking "maternity" leave / mourning leave / regular leave instead of doing it like last time where I returned to work as soon as my swollen, lactating breasts could be squeezed back into work clothes. I tell you, everyone wants to see you get right back to normal after a pregnancy loss and they are so reassured when you go back to work. Like getting out of bed to shower and change into clean pj's before getting right back into bed isn't enough.

Even though my experience with live babies is incredibly limited, here is my plan for if I ever get a living baby:

1. Take a full six weeks off of work and spend that time holding the baby. Of course I'll have to put it down some times or let someone else have a turn but basically all I want to do is hold the baby for 6 weeks.

2. Cut my hours a work to a point where I still get benefits and make enough money and return to work 3 days a week and work from home to complete the rest of my hours. When I'm not working I'll be holding the baby.

3. Do step 2 for two to three years then consider preschool.

In reality there are probably many flaws to this plan and I will deal with those as they come along. But from my perspective of having such empty, aching arms for 3 years now and understanding how devastating it is when your child is gone, I see nothing that sounds more desirable than hugging and cuddling my child.

*****

Whether or not it is actually something to prepare for right now, do you have an ideal plan for your maternity leave?

2010-11-09T12:36:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my son's birthday/deathday. It's getting easier to not fall apart even though my heart still aches for him. It was a very personal day for me since everyone here besides my mom forgot about it, but that's ok, it was nice to have the space. I slept in at Snugglebunny's place, then went out for some breakfast and to buy a new scarf at Wh.ole Fo.ods (extra-long, organic cotton for $10). Then home to pick up my camera and get directions to places that sounded nice to visit.

First stop, cemetery #1 where there is a nice section for babies and the two memorial bricks I'd ordered had been recently placed in the walkway. It wasn't as peaceful as imagined since the bricks were not placed next to each other as requested, even though there's plenty of space for that to happen. It was surprising how upsetting that was. I forgot to take photos of the bricks and vowed to place the extra bricks ordered for my garden next to each other.

Second stop, bookstore to purchase a copy of The Bhagavad Gita since I think it's time to get serious about spirituality.

Third stop, decided to skip some errands, picked up lunch and went back home for a bit.

Then in the evening I went to the cemetery where Toren's ashes are buried. I placed a memorial brick there (I ordered A LOT) and missed him.

*****

It was a good day.

*****

For a long time I just wanted Toren and wasn't entirely interested in a different baby. I don't know if it's all of the pregnancy announcements lately, the photos of my sister's son, or just getting through a bunch of grief, but some random child would be good now. Some random child as in a rainbow baby of my own, not someone else's kid, because I know that may sound a little weird. But I mean a new one that I don't feel is my own yet. A mystery being.

*****

Snugglebunny should move in by Christmas and if living together goes well we'll try for a baby. I've been in a funk though for a few days and am kind of not excited about living with him right now. This is another huge reason for searching for a spiritual practice that resonates with me so I will calm the fuck down and not screw up another relationship. I feel a little claustrophobic and when I try to get a little space SB becomes more affectionate (kind of clingy). I don't know why I do that. We even had a little fight :(

*****

Anyway, I have loved reading all of your opinionated comments lately! Many, many thanks for sharing in the distractions!

2010-11-03T23:05:00.000-04:00

Distractions are requiring more effort. He's close. It's been almost three years since I held him and I still miss that tiny boy.

*****

Anybody watching Sister Wives? I think I saw every episode last weekend. It's such a different lifestyle than I have ever personally witnessed that I had some judgments but after watching hours of it, I like that family. They are all very open and will express hurt feelings but there also seems to be little "game" playing - they will apologize quickly after saying something that may have inadvertently caused pain. It's interesting to see how the wives interact and I love the idea of a large, close-knit family. Now, I'm still bitter and not a fan of marriage but being able to watch a show about lots of marriage, where there are also tons of kids, is a sign of progress.

A few weeks ago I watched Juno on TV, after avoiding it since it's release. It was better than I thought it would be, but not in the ways I expected. I thought the teenagers were more annoying than funny and I didn't like the soundtrack at all (it was very popular though; I'm comfortable with having bad taste in music). To avoid spoilers I can't say what I liked about the movie but if you have seen it you may have figured it out - families don't always occur as expected or planned but families that are well fought for, and are built under conditions that are not considered "ideal" can be stunningly beautiful.

This resonate with me because I did everything "right" in terms of a long, seemingly stable, marriage and a house and what not, but the baby still died and then everything fell apart. Aiming for what is commonly viewed as the best way to go about things is not the only way to find happiness and fulfillment. I have to believe that alternative ways are also good.

*****

Rambling. I'm so tired I'm not even going to edit this. So, polygamy ... what do you think?

2010-11-02T21:41:00.000-04:00

More distractions - civic duties

I disagree with the "duties" part and think that "civic opportunities" is a better description. Serving on a jury and voting are opportunities to be helpful, and say what you think, but so many people view things such as these as a pain in the ass.

Yesterday I had jury duty and for the first time was picked to be on a jury! It was all very interesting, even though there was a lot of sitting around and waiting. But about an hour into the actual trial a witness said something they were not supposed to and a mistrial was declared. So disappointing! I really wanted to see how it turned out.

Today was filled with meetings (seriously, I only had 65 minutes where I was NOT in a meeting) and by the time I was able to get some lunch the little cafe in the building had closed. For a while there I thought about skipping voting after work but then didn't want to miss out on this opportunity, so after a long day at work, without anything to eat, I went to vote. It feels good, even though the preliminary results on the bottom of the TV screen show that some of my people are not winning.

What about you? Think it's an opportunity or duty?

2010-11-01T22:18:00.000-04:00

Going with the flow of grief has meant pretty much ignoring Halloween this year. The weather was beautiful all weekend; not fall like at all. I woke up a little sad on Saturday and decided to spend the day doing pleasant things. I dressed warmly and wore comfortable underwear :) and went to my favorite garden store to see their plants and cute garden decorations. Then I indulged in a pumpkin spice latte (yum!) and went to another favorite garden store and spent about an hour walking among the plants, dreaming and planning. I left with 2 flats of pansies and viola's, and two paperwhite bulbs for forcing.

On Sunday morning, the third anniversary of Toren's fatal diagnosis, mowing the lawn sounded more appealing than sitting down to reflect or write. Noise, being active, and the smell of the outdoors felt right. The mower was sluggish and after a few minutes it stopped cutting grass but even that didn't trigger frustrated tears, instead I took the mower apart and FIXED IT! Seriously. I fixed the lawn mower, then finished mowing the lawn, then raked up the left over leaves, then pulled weeds, planted a bed of flowers and put down a layer of pine bark. (Ok, technically, there was nothing actually broken but the mower didn't work then I cleaned out the insides, inspected the motor, took apart the blade/spinny part, cleaned it all, sprayed on some WD-40 and screwed it all back on tight, and then it worked!)

Then I discovered that the dryer was not heating and this was too overwhelming so I watched TV and took a nap.

******
A rant on not having enough income:

In the past few weeks things have been falling apart at a faster speed than usual. The microwave has broken and needs a professional repair person, which I can't afford right now so I'm borrowing a countertop microwave. I can't afford to fix the microwave for a very sad reason. Sasha kitty was missing for a week and after a vet visit (that I borrowed $ for) she has been diagnosed FIV+. I'm still looking for all of her health records (where on earth did I put them?!) because cats that are vaccinated against FIV will test positive and I cannot remember if she was vaccinated years ago. She has had a cold for over a week and has been lethargic and grumpy and I'm so worried about her and I'm so PISSED OFF that I can't afford to take her to the vet whenever she sneezes. In two weeks Sammy kitty will get tested.

That the car is leaking antifreeze and smells like it has a fuel leak is way down on the list. Oh yeah, then there's the huge tree that died this year and still needs to be removed.

But you know, all you can do is keep doing your best and hope that things will improve.

*****

So all of that was on my mind as I searched for the right socket to remove the back panel of the dryer and I cleaned out the lint tube and the part where it exits the house and still no heat and then I could not figure out how to get the heating element out to inspect it and my dryer is 30 years old so there's not an instructional video on-line with the exact configuration of the heating element stuff. So I had a glass of wine, and then another, and then another, and then my friends came over and we drank and smoked and laughed. Thank the Heaven's for good friends!

SnuggleBunny took over the dryer project today and removed the heating element (it is broken - problem diagnosed!) and while we can't find a replacement in town, I ordered a new one, which should arrive in 2-5 days. Assuming this fixes the problem, the dryer will be repaired for less than $40, which is awesome!

*****

So many things to think about to distract from dead babies.

2010-10-25T22:17:00.000-04:00

October 15th photos
A flame for each of our missing babies. I think I can name more missing babies than living ones. This makes sense because the living ones don't stay babies for forever.

May we all find peace.

..........

I'm treating myself gently right now. Taking days off work here and there to make sure there is time for remembrance, reflection, and rest.

.........

Also trying out a new antidepressant and while it's only been three days, here is my report so far: the brain chatter that was loud and constant is practically gone. It's weird but it would be pretty nice if it would stay that way, but it will be very not-nice if extreme forgetfulness accompanies the quiet. Something to watch for. The worst thing so far is not being able to sleep for more than an hour at a time.

........

It's been a wonderful few days where it feels like things are going to be ok :)

This just happened

2010-10-14T15:35:00.000-04:00

her: "I'm not sure I can do X commitment next spring because I'm about 9 weeks pregnant."
me: "Ok. Congratulations!"
her: "This semester has been kind of tough. I don't understand the women who said they felt great being pregnant! I guess they never felt sick or forgot about it."
me: "Yeah, it's awful. But you really should feel better in a few more weeks."

I didn't encourage further pregnancy/baby conversation and she didn't notice my comments of commiseration based on experience and that is kind of surprising but not really, at the same time. One reason for not noticing that other women understand anything about pregnancy is that she probably wanted to throw up at that very moment. Another reason is that women who are not currently pregnant or who do not have children are not really recognized as ever experiencing pregnancy. Some kind of brain filter seems to flip on and the only acceptable idea is that childless women could never have been pregnant.

No one likes to think about dead babies.

It's not gut wrenching anymore. Instead I just feel this pathetic resignation that other women get babies and Toren is still dead.

Maybe I'll get another chance. I'm trying to get a raise to go along with some new duties (THAT is not easy!) so cross your fingers that a larger salary finds it's way to me so that I can afford a baby.

2010-10-10T23:54:00.005-04:00

First

Huge thanks to Wyatt's Mommie from Wyatt's Whisper for giving this award to my blog!

The rules are:
1. Accept the award. Post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have newly discovered.

3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.

I'm passing the award on to a mix of bloggers, new to me, as well as some that I have been reading for a long while but who didn't already have this award posted (and they completely deserve it!).

Amy at Surviving the Day Every Day
angelseashore at Angel Seashore
Barbara at burble
biojen at Dreaming with a Broken Heart
brianna at .daily.amos.
Carly at Soul Blossoming
Catherine W at Between the Snow and the Huge Roses
cgd at Adventures in Infertility-Land
Jenn at Jenn's Den
Mandy at One Good Thing
myskytimes at Skytimes
Quiet Dreams - Dreaming of Quiet Places
Reba at Life without my twins
vera kate at My Insides, Out.

Second

Depression is thick lately. And I'm feeling very impatient with it. It's different from before - now I can recognize when a certain incident is making me sad and when it's depression - perhaps that means that some progress is being made. I think most people around me would not be able to notice it anymore because I do genuinely smile and participate in small talk without resenting that people are "supposed" to exchange pleasantries when passing. But behind closed bedroom, office, and bathroom stall doors there's been a lot of crying lately.

My antidepressants are still being monitored and some tests are being run to see if there is something else going on that brought about this latest round of increased depression. And I'm still in therapy once a week, and I am comfortable with requesting even more frequent sessions if necessary. And if things feel dangerous I know where to go for a few days of inpatient treatment. So, I'm not alone or without resources which means it's just a matter of waiting.

.......

The knee that I broke in early summer hurts on cool mornings. Not a surprise but it makes every step a reminder that winter is approaching. Never have I felt less ready for the cold, the dark, the bare trees, and the holiday cheer. Along with all of that comes another round of anniversaries and wondering why the events of years ago still ache so badly.

.......

A co-worker pulled me aside on Friday to say that whenever she sees me lately she thinks that I'm pregnant. I respond that I've just been putting on weight, then she says rather than weight it's a "glow" that I have. Another minute of talking and she is so happy to tell me that I'm going to be pregnant soon. I don't know if I should believe the "glow" bit since she may have been trying to cover up that she mistook my expanding waistline for pregnancy. She is the spiritual sort so maybe she is sensing a being hanging around me, which kind of makes me feel like I'm failing an interview since I don't feel like life is so in order lately. What ever her meaning, it was very upsetting (like go home early and go back to bed upsetting). I can't believe her prediction because it is exactly what I think I want and also the thing I am most terrified of. But if her perhaps-careless-promise doesn't come true I will never forgive her.

Lastly

Ugh, gotta find some happy thoughts before ending this.

a new houseplant

a new plant forming on the end of a leaf, as promised!

a new camera that's been providing fun with taking photos :)

the zoom is so good you can see the dust on Tara and it adjusts for wiggles and that has made a great difference in how photos turn out since I can't seem to hold a camera still!

.........

Wishing you all a beautiful day!

2010-09-22T14:20:00.001-04:00

I wonder if I will ever re-gain my pre-deadbaby attention span. I feel like I will NEVER be caught up with tasks at work, home maintenance, housekeeping, paying bills, homework (why did I decide to take a class?), and the list can go on and on but I'll cry before it is complete. Of course I probably will get everything done eventually but it feels impossible right now. This is different from the early days when there was so much grief that nothing outside of Toren and my husband really deserved much of a thought. Now thoughts of Toren are quiet for the most part, although still nearly constant in a weird way, but actually completing tasks takes way longer than I would like. The tornado is over but residual effects remain in the form of persistent depression and a lack of efficacy. Is depression causing decreased concentration and memory, or is feeling so upset over being confused and behind causing depression? What role do the anti-depressants play? Sigh, I just don't know.

What about you? Can you concentrate?

I'll wait

2010-09-17T22:58:00.000-04:00

Things are so busy. I'm so behind that I feel like I suck at my job nevermind the disaster that the house is in. And then there's so much excitement too because Snugglebunny may move in soon. Eww's and Ahhh's are clashing.

Then there's a huge icky issue in the background that is becoming highlighted with the change in the way the sunlight shines into windows as Summer turns to Autumn ... I'm not ready to face it yet so how about a diversion? Circumstances of socializing led to me seeing "Goi.ng the Dis.tance" twice in the past week and now all I want to hear is this song

......

I'm scared of SB moving in. Scared of losing my opinions. Scared of forgetting the small amount of self-sufficiency I've gained. Already ashamed of how much I love Friday nights when I can sit down with a bottle of wine, read blogs about parenthoods cut short, and maybe write in my own. My therapist says that co-habitation involves a business transaction of sorts. We have to figure out the sticky bits of how much he will pay to live in the home I own. I already suspect that if he becomes unemployed (not a far fetched event in the US lately) I will feel resentful about having to pay for his share, only because my salary isn't big enough to share.

This house was purchased a little over 6 years ago. X and I flew into town, the first time either of us had been here, and had 4 days to find a house to buy. I wonder if our Realtor thought we were crazy! On the day we left we placed an offer for a different house but we ended up buying our second choice. I wanted a brick house with hardwood floors; we bought a split-level house with 80's siding and beige carpet. But when I stand at the top of the stairs and look into the living room with the vaulted ceilings there is just so much space and so much air that ... there's room to breathe ... it's safe without being claustrophobic ... it's expansive and peaceful. You can see the soul of the house there, if such a thing exists. I wish you all could see it.

Huge rewind to 7 years earlier and we married; back when we were too young to imagine how sadly marriage could turn out. Rewind another 6 years prior to that and we met. I was 16. I still cannot comprehend how he could just walk away after we had been friends and spouses for 17 years. It's been almost 2 years since he left and that is enough to tip the scales so that he hasn't been in my life for longer than he was. Whoever he really was.

Was he ever who I thought he was?

He had opportunity after endless opportunity to be viewed as a great guy, not a guy who is unfaithful and slimy, not a guy who was emotionally abusive, not a guy who has his wife abort an unplanned pregnancy, not a guy who abandons his wife when things get very hard. But when he wasn't being a jerk he was my best friend. Or rather he was the best friend of the me who was nervous, shy, afraid of everything, emotionally unpredictable ... the incarnation before version 2.bitter.

The me from the days when living together could be spontaneous and romantic and completely business transaction free misses him.

.......

I had a goal to be divorced by the end of the year and it's just about time for me to ask again if he will agree to a reasonable settlement. Because even though he was an incredibly important person to me for 17 years it's useless to wait any more for him to turn into the person I thought he was. I can't respect myself if I wait for him.

......

Will the heartbreak of this lost romance ever completely end? Can the soulbreak from living in the shadow of a selfish person mend? And how does one ever reconcile the loss and the hate?

How it is

2010-09-07T00:18:00.001-04:00

I've avoided saying anything for a while because each start doesn't lead to what I'm trying to say...

after a bottle of wine (wince) what I'm trying to say is this: My sister sent a message on Saturday, after bringing her 1 year old son home from Korea the Wednesday before: the baby won't sleep, but daytimes are fun. It takes my sister and her husband to keep up with the little boy. It sounds hard, like a big adjustment for sure, but...

but
but
but what circles through my mind, on a current of wine, is: she brought a baby home from Korea. How improbable is that?! My baby boy was tucked safe inside my uterus, he was so very close that I could almost reach him, and he didn't live to come home, yet her son was halfway around the world and he made it home.

I could do it too! I swear I could take care of a baby and the little one would know they were loved beyond the ends of what they could imagine.

Where is my son?

He is further than Korea. And I would go any distance to get to him.

I understand that I needed this degree of trauma for my marriage to dissolve - my husband and I were joined so tightly in dysfunction that only a dead child could come between us - and I love my new boyfriend - but sometimes I think that I would sit through a dark hell for ages if only I could be with Toren. What I would give to know that he is safe, wherever he is.

What I would give to not have time to drink a bottle of wine. It's not a choice I have, but knowing what I know now about relationships, what would I choose between keeping Toren (and staying with my lying ex - holy shit, I can't stand the thought of him) or finding a healthy, romantic relationship? It's a good thing that a choice is not an option because I would do anything to avoid the pain of living without my son. I love my new boyfriend, and I'm so glad to no longer be with my husband, but I would live through anything to know that Toren was safe. I would forgo personal growth to watch my son grow up.

I imagine this is a tiny glimpse of what other mothers feel when they have a much loved child who never would have been born if the prior one had survived. I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE BACK MY CURRENT LIFE however, along with that comes a pain that will never end. This is not a situation where a choice has to be made, but I still feel guilty for not knowing that I would give up my son to have a happily-ever-after with my boyfriend.

Since holding my dead child I think that happily ever after is not an option.

Simultaneously, I am so happy to be here and I hate my life.

Fuck all of the people who said that I was young and would have another baby. Fuck those who didn't realize that Toren was a precious human being who was unique and could not be replaced. Fuck those who think that I'm ok while I smile through every day.

At the nail salon tiday I watched, fascinated, as a mother gave her young daughter a choice of nail color then didn't approve of the silver glitter polish her daughter selected. The mother probably saw me watching and judging her on the color that her daughter picked out, when really I was thinking that I would let my kid (girl or boy) select any color they wanted.

It's been almost 3 years, and this hurts so bad still that I don't understand how I get through each day.

2010-08-15T00:02:00.002-04:00

Your body knows, you know. Even if you didn't jot down that date on the calendar.

It has been well documented here how agitated I've been this week and days ago I consulted the wall calendar to see if it was the anniversary of Embryo M.'s (who I don't like to talk about) positive pregnancy test but that's on the 20th.

.......

Reviewing the past, you can point out the life changing events; August holds three for me. Both of my pregnancies existed during an August and while I was thrilled about Toren's pregnancy, the way it ended and the loneliness aftermath, August where Toren is concerned is .... bittersweet? no... ironic? no... acrid? perhaps. It's a huge slap in the face, like, "here you go, here is a baby, conceived in love, inspiring further expansion of spousal love, making it look like you are finally on the right path and things are about to become beautiful - heeheehee ... HaHaHa ... HAHAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding! I can't believe she fell for that one!"

What's the word for that?

August is also when I found proof that my husband was a cheating liar. It was August 2004.

I could search through old handwritten journals to identify when I started to suspect that hubby was searching for lovin' outside of our home but I know the suspicions were there by August of 2003. My undergrad degree was completed in May 2003 and we were taking a year to save money and figure out where to move to, which would depend on the graduate program I got in to. At some point that summer I said that we need to re-evaluate our marriage and if things do not improve by moving time we would go our separate ways. But we got so caught up in the excitement of buying a house in a new city and moving across the country that we forgot to consider if we wanted to be together.

It felt like a new beginning for our marriage since we were so far from the girls he had crushes on and for about 3 months I was very hopeful for our future, after all, we had our first house and I got into a competitive grad program which surely would make me more attractive to him. Intelligence and drive are pretty, right?

A tangent that is important to the story: There was no college prep in my family. I graduated from high school and floundered around the west coast until deciding to attend college. That didn't work out so well. Coming from a poor family means no college fund and my mother, frustrated from paying on her student loans for decades for a degree she didn't finish, told me not to take out student loans. So I worked 2-3 jobs at a time for a couple of years to save money for college and let me tell you that it is very hard to pay for college on minimum wage and it's hard to attend classes while working enough to pay for college. I got married, moved away from my mother and her advice and got student loans to attend a state university. I loved undergrad! Loved, loved, loved! So much that I wanted more. A class taken in my junior year pointed to the direction for graduate school and I wanted the best program! It was almost ridiculous to think that a person like me (poor family, state university) could attend a top school but I got in and when the email stating my acceptance arrived I jumped up and down like a kid. All of this to say that attending this graduate program was the most important thing to me at that time. There was nothing I wanted more.

During grad school orientation week in late August 2004 I was using hubby's computer and found Yah.oo chats where he was asking to see photos of girl after girl and if they sent one he would say "very nice", even if they weren't. Some engaged in chats and he would ask to meet them and described his penis and when questioned further confessed to being married but not being sexually compatible with his wife. There was one where he made plans to meet the woman, for a discreet adult encounter, and it was set for a time a few weeks prior when I was out of town.

Again, there is not a good word for the feelings upon reading those messages. I suspected stuff but seeing proof is ... life shattering. I remember sitting on the floor of our bedroom in the house we bought 3 months earlier making this noise that I didn't think was possible - it was between a wail and a moan and a scream.

It's hard to learn something new and horrible about the person you think you know best - the person who promises that he loves you. He denied it all at first even though I was reading what he had written back to him.

That was a Wednesday.

As cheated on folk know, then comes the question of what to do next. As a teenager I had promised myself that I would not stay with someone who cheated on me; I had seen that pattern and the accompanying lack of self esteem many times. We were out of money having spent all of our savings on the house and move. I didn't have a job since we planned that I would just go to school. My options were to stay with him to attend school or move back to the other coast and live with my mother.

At 10am the following Monday I was in class, appearing "normal" while secretly hating myself for not being desirable enough to inspire marital faithfulness and completely lacking self respect.

.......

Anyhoo, August holds memories. August holds the anniversaries of choices made that led down a road that would be questioned later.

I should have correctly interpreted the glaring signs in August 2003 and left the marriage. August 2004 was a second huge sign. That's bullshit, it was more than a sign, it was more than a suspicion that could be debated away, it was PROOF that he was a liar and had no regard for my feelings or those stupid vows we made to each other on the day we married. But I didn't have the perspective and resources that come with experience that I do now; the events of August 2003 and 2004 would have inspired very different responses if I knew then what I know now.

.......

August 13, 2007 was the day when I took a home pregnancy test and found out that Toren existed. I didn't know anything about him but I knew that I loved the little being that joined our family. It's been 3 years and 1 day since my being has been focused on Toren's health and happiness. It feels like yesterday.

Two years ago, on the anniversary of the last day that I didn't worry about Toren (8/12/200), I wrote:

What would I tell my self of a year ago who had no clue that a nightmare was tip toeing up right behind her? It would be "My Dear Girl, you have mere hours of blind bliss left, enjoy these moments of being young and carefree". A year ago I would have argued about that carefree bit since my cares started rather early in life; who knew those were relatively lighthearted days.

What I would give for thoughts from my self a year from now. Next August 12 will I be remarking on how much beauty and joy has entered my life or will it be another shell shocked statement of "didn't see that coming"?

A year later the response:

Well Anna from the past, if you could have heard your thoughts from the future, this is what you would have been told ...

You will still be a bit shell shocked from living another year without Toren and a good portion of a year without your husband - yes, he will leave your ass without hardly a word. But by August 12, 2009 you will also be so thankful for the joy that entered your life. You never would have believed that housemates would be a good situation for you but it is so great having C and L around! Also, you will spend this terrorversary with a boy - he's nice and fun to be around and tonight we see if he can cook.

Three years later?
Anna of the past, that boy from 8/2009 stuck around! He is super sweet and you are eager for him to move in with you. Life is still messy and when Toren died almost 3 years ago you would have run away screaming if anyone told you that you would still be mourning for that little guy today. The comparison of what was lost is still overwhelming any gains BUT you gained things that you didn't even know were missing! You have your own thoughts and are learning how to stop suppressing them; this is harder than it sounds. Life without your husband is necessary and should have happened a long time ago, but the past is what it is. By the way, you still can't stand your ex and sometimes stalk him on facebook ... maybe that will change by next year. Of course your present life began with Toren's death, would you trade self-awareness and a non emotionally abusive relationship to have Toren with you? Well, this question is unanswerable. Toren DID die. It already happened and cannot be undone. All you can do is try your best no matter what horrible situations you are dropped into, I suppose.

Thus begins year 3.

Trying to kick ass

2010-08-13T12:02:00.001-04:00

My rewriting the story post is mentioned in Mel's Blog Roundup. How embarrassing that since then it's all just been ranting and TMI - too bad I can't say that the rants and mood swings are not the norm!

.....

Thoughts on personal training, aka, the longest 30 minutes of my life each and every time:
Over a year ago I signed up for training so I could work with a boxing coach because I was so angry that I needed to hit something. Then my coach left the gym. Then, a year later, I was feeling fat and blobby so renewed my contract but instead of once per month I purchased one session per week. I had a lot saved up though so I can go to two session per week for several months. I hate it. I hate weight training with a trainer.

While getting ripped is supposedly the goal of training, the larger point of working with a trainer seems to be overcoming mental barriers. So they say to do so many reps for so many sets, but depending on how happy you look they will add weight for subsequent sets or add "just one more" as soon as you think you are done. If you can't lift the weight on your own towards the end the trainer will assist you so that you complete each and every rep of each and every set, thus realizing you can go beyond what your brain says you can.

That part of it is good for me - it is cool finish a goal that you thought was impossible. The problem is I get hurt frequently. I don't want to let down my trainer or complain so I end up with strained muscles. But again, is that just me saying "I can't physically do this", when actually I can? The strains heal after a few days.

......

What do you think about being pushed beyond what you think you can do? Is it important? Is it important for recovering from huge life failures, such as pregnancy loss, divorce, infertility, job loss, or an infinite number of events that can make you lose trust in yourself?

Much better

2010-08-11T13:16:00.001-04:00

Whew, was I ever pissed last night. Today is much better mood swing wise; the rant and the brownies worked! Do you think it's possible to internally dissolve anger or does it have to be released? Exercise and talking or writing about it help me, but is there a way to just think anger away?

Tonight, box office ticket availability willing, I'm seeing one of my favorite bands and SnuggleBunny is coming with me! The ex didn't come with me when I saw them a few years ago, not that I need company all of the time but it makes me feel happy that SB is willing to sit through a band that he isn't very familiar with just because I want to go to the concert.

Other good things (to make up for yesterday's ultra grumpy post):

Work is going well today.

Lots of kitty snuggles last night.

Products of recent on-line shopping trips are on their way, including the Clarisonic Plus, which I am convinced will completely change my life!

Not losing it

2010-08-10T23:07:00.000-04:00

My health goals for this week are to not lose patience with anyone to their face and to avoid alcohol because it is contributing to my depression. Losing patience will make me very un-proud of my behavior so this is a positive self-esteem goal, which is an important part of overall health. I've been going to the gym to burn off stress!

Obstacles (aka Oh fuck me)
1. Menstrual period approacheth = hormones and the disappointment of not having a birth control failure. What a mental mind fuck to be so divided in purpose. On one hand (the rational one) the time for ttc is not quite here, on the other hand I'm tired of being stuck "here". "Here" is where you watch others building their families while you wait and wait and wait and wonder if your turn already came and went. Remember that the joy that others experience does not lessen one's own joy? ... why is this so non-intuitive? Why do I have to repeat this over and over to remind myself that I'm happy too? Weapon of choice: a pack of gluten-free brownies

2. Mental health professionals are annoying. Remember when I was really upset and my therapists seemingly random advice was to set boundaries? That still is not making me feel any better and come to think of it, I'm really sucking at establishing boundaries. Then yesterday I saw my psychiatrist to see if the meds were leading to mental check outs and the absence of org.asms. She interpreted the problem as a change in the generic manufacturer of the pills. I said that I thought there was no change but she wrote me a prescription anyway (with a note to give me the "right" one) and said to come back in if this doesn't fix the problem. Guess what! The new prescription is for the the exact same thing that I've been taking. It is not cool that I have to pay for another visit now. Weapon of choice: Practice setting boundaries by seeing if the prescription issue can be resolved through e-mail.

3. Lack of orga.ms. Oh fuck me ... but it doesn't seem to do any good...

4. Things are definitely strained now that the colleague I work closest with is pregnant with her second baby. I listen sympathetically to her plight of vomiting everyday because it is polite but come on and return the effort lady! I took a sick day on Friday because my calendar was clear and I was feeling very stressed from not sleeping well for the past couple of weeks; here was our exchange on Monday:

Her: Are you feeling better?
Me: Yes, I was just very tired from not sleeping well for the past ... (I was still talking)
Her: I left after being here an hour. I threw up all day, I don't know if it was from the baby or the sinus infection.
Me: That sucks. Are you feeling better? You sound better.
Her: Yes. You know klono.pin makes people very tired. I've taken it as a sleep aid.
Me: One of my friends does that too.
Her: So if you are not having an anxiety attack and take it it could make you tired.
Me: uh?
Her: If you are already feeling calm and take your clonaz.epam it may make you feel tired.
Me: But the problem is I haven't been sleeping.
Her: Oh. How was the play last night?

Do you ever feel like you are not being heard at all?

BTW I've been taking a couple of clona.zepam a day, as prescribed, for daily anxiety attacks which started several weeks ago, about the time of her pregnancy announcement. Yes, I think that it makes me less energetic during the day but I don't nap on most weekdays and still go to work and then go to the gym or see friends or do errands at night. I'm not skipping work because I'm taking clona.zepam!

She's finding out the sex of the baby on Thursday. I was so excited for Toren's anatomy ultrasound until learning that vital parts of the baby's anatomy could be completely missing and you learn that your baby is going to die which kind of distracts from the big reveal of the gender. She thinks it is a girl. And this makes me almost lose it because she already has a baby boy while mine died and now she will get a daughter too?! This makes my head spin for some reason.
.......

I will not lose patience in public... I will not lose patience in public... I will not lose patience in public
.....

Um, sorry for the huge, hormone induced rant. Overall, life is better than I made it sound here and I feel better getting all of that out. I'm going to get comfortable in bed with my brownies and wish for some sound sleep.

What are your health goals for this week?

Rewriting the story

2010-08-04T12:43:00.002-04:00

I listen to self-help, meditation, and positive affirmation podcasts all night. This has been going on for over a year. After my husband moved out I would turn the TV on immediately upon arriving home and it would often stay on all night on low volume. One time I woke up to a crime show and realized that something more soothing going on in the background would be a good idea.

Music doesn't help me sleep. During the frequent nightly awakenings hearing voices helps - I get up to pee, just in case that was what woke me up (but most of the time a cat or dog is the culprit), then listen to the speaking until I fall back asleep. When it's dark and I'm tired it's too easy to remember the sad things and slip into nightmares or stay awake all night without the gentle voices to distract me into sleep.

Anyway, last night I was listening to a new favorite podcast "Why Shamanism now?" and one topic was "rewrite the story". This morning I woke up thinking "rewrite your story!". The idea is not new (I've written about it before) but it was explained in a way that made it more attainable. Bear with me as I explain this because I heard this in the space between wake and sleep. Life changing losses are so intense they can be all consuming...hmmm...like, sometimes that's all you can deal with and it is appropriate to be right there wading through your muddy, sticky grief, but it's not appropriate to stay there permanently.

During the early afternoon of October 31, 2007 the news that my son would die sucked the breath out of me and during those hours where what was expected to be a normal prenatal visit turned into an immediate appointment for a level II ultrasound and consultation with a perinatologist and the findings turned worse and worse until we were back in my OB's office discussing what to do next. The story I was working on took such a dramatic change that it's like a new book had to start. The story where I was in love and loved and joyfully waiting for my son stopped abruptly. The story of being admitted to the hospital, inducing labor for a pregnancy that I wanted, holding my dead son, then the years of grief could not be combined with the story of happily expecting a baby.

Then there's the story of my husband leaving for greener pastures where grief did not exist, that overlaps with the story of becoming adjusted to deadbaby motherhood.

Dead son. Husband can't stand me. These are all consuming stories and for a long while it was not possible to be in any other story. But it's been almost 3 years since Toren died and going on 2 years since my husband left. If I let the stories of loss drift to the background what is here? Well, surprisingly I'm still standing. There were so many times when I thought I could not live through the pain of so much loss. It seemed impossible that the heart that ached so much could continue it's rhythmic beating. How is it possible that this body that screamed in rage and sorrow did not just crumble to dust? It must have been held together by all the wine ;)

But seriously, to get through that took hours and hours of therapy, lots of antidepressants, patient friends, and then re-finding love. The turning point from total grief to some relief took years. And apparently a lot of rambling.

Those stories of loss are in the past, and they are incredibly important parts of my past so I'm not wishing them away, but it's time to start honoring the current story. The rough draft goes something like this:

I am safe. For the first time that I can remember there is no one controlling me in negative ways. There is no one physically near me with the desire, and the balls, to pursue their own interests with no thought given to how their actions would affect me.
I am in love. Cautious love but it is beautiful just the same.
There is potential for a great career.
There is potential for a family.

I guess it's not so much rewriting the story as tapering off adding chapters to the stories of a failed pregnancy and a failed marriage and instead spending more energy on exploring this new story.

.....

I hope that makes at least a little bit of sense. It's exciting.

Wishing you all lovely stories.

2010-08-02T13:51:00.000-04:00

I woke up heartbroken today, which isn't all that unusual but I explored it to see if acknowledging the problem behind the ache would make it go away. It didn't but perhaps more time is needed. Babylost land is a lonely, lonely place. I don't think I can say it enough. Lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely...

Thankfully there is this virtual oasis but some days I could just use an actual hug and a sincere "how are you doing?" and have it be ok when I don't say "great!", "fine", "good". I'm not doing good today but there's no time to let the wall holding it all back to come down. There are e-mails to respond to and piles of other important things that really look like bullshit when compared to feeling so alone. How many other people in this building are feeling similarly? How would we ever find each other when we are all doing "good"?

I'm seeing my psychiatrist next week but what if all of the medication adjustments in the world can't really cure this persistent depression? What if all the pills can do is make it look more believable when I say that I'm "fine"? It's so silly how this bout started: last week on the phone my Mom didn't ask me how my knee was. She has a lot of worries right now and rationally I know that my fractured knee was not important enough to be on her radar. But it triggered some stupid abandonment issues and over the week the feelings of being forgotten grew. Last night I saw photos from my sister's baby shower that I didn't know she was having. I'm not close to my family, physically or in any other way so it should not be a surprise - it's still choking though. It's like, your baby dies and makes everyone terribly uncomfortable then you sink into a deep hole (that may or may not be filled with cases of wine) and while you grieve and are not making enough efforts to keep in contact with people you become forgotten so by the time you crawl out of that hole everyone has moved on and is used to not hearing from you.

For the millionth time I wonder, why aren't I doing as well as people expect me to be? Why do I still miss the baby that is just a very distant memory for most people around me?

I'm actually feeling more stable than it sounds above, the long path out of depression has me worn out right now.

.....

Last week was a very low energy, long work day week and I didn't do well on my health goals. But when our goals are not met we just appreciate ourselves for at least trying, dust off, and try again. My health goals for this week are going to be free form. I will do at least one healthy thing everyday and keep a log of them off to the right sidebar.

Today is a new day. If you did great with your goals from last week please share your successes! If you did not so great that's ok, you are still a good person.

Please feel free to share your goals in a comment or write a post about them and leave a link to your blog.

Health goals week 2

2010-07-26T23:04:00.000-04:00

So how did you all do with your goals for last week? Angelseashore is taking a wonderful holistic approach by making goals for her body, mind, and soul - definitely take a look at her blog for inspiration on caring for your whole self.

I did awesome with my goals to eat a low carb breakfast and to only drink during social occasions - however I attended 4 social occasions so it turned out that I consumed alcohol on more days than I didn't (two drinks max each time). Since isolating has become somewhat of a habit, it's sort of amazing that I went out with friends 4 times last week, thus making mild, but frequent alcohol consumption not such a bad thing in my book.

Where exercising was concerned, those goals did not turn out so well but instead of hating myself for being so lazy I'm going to make my exercising goals for this week less demanding. I tried out water aerobics for the first time last week and it was so fun! If you have ever entertained the thought of attending a class I cannot encourage it enough! It has been in the upper 90's/low 100's here and cooling off in the pool for an hour has felt so good and this is a safe way to regain strength and flexibility in my knee that was fractured 10 weeks ago.

We did this in class

kidding!
.....

Goals for this week
1. go to water aerobics!
2. practice grounding exercises daily
3. practice yoga at least once

Easy goals for this week since things are kind of rough lately. The grounding exercises are difficult though - it's been a struggle to stay present and last Friday I had a wake up call that made me realize that I still dissociate more than I thought. Perhaps more on this once I can confront the feelings of humiliation more comfortably.
.....

What can you do to be healthy this week? Please feel free to share your list in a comment or write a post about it and use the linky thing so we can see what you are up to.

.....

Once upon a time I was about 12 weeks pregnant and was already anticipating feeling weighed down so I planned to take water aerobics classes, as soon as I stopped throwing up all of the time. I found a cute one-piece, full coverage swim suit with ruching down the sides so the middle had room for an expanding belly. A good intermediate between a bikini and a maternity swim suit. At 13 weeks the big bleed occurred and light bleeding continued for 5 more weeks. I never got to wear that swim suit to water aerobics.

Almost 3 years later and it's been long enough now that I could secretly smile and feel happy to finally be wearing that swim suit to water aerobics.

Health goals for this week

2010-07-19T11:24:00.001-04:00

I married the guy who walked out on me back in November 2008, 13 years ago. No complicated feelings, just the thought that I really need to get this divorce over with. It sure would be nice if he would respond to my e-mails about settlement details.

The whole thing is ewwwy, so enough about that. Here are my health goals for this week:

1. Have eggs and decaf coffee for breakfast Monday - Friday. No carbs or cheese.
2. Exercise for an hour every day. Any sort of exercise is fine since it was just last week that my kneecap was determined to be healed and I was released from physical therapy. I plan to get back on the elliptical tonight after 9 weeks of waiting for that bone to heal well.
3. Do the pilates video once and do 3 yoga practices.
4. Only consume alcohol at social gatherings - no drinking at home alone.

That's enough for the first week of healthy goal setting. What health goals do you have for this week? With so many stages to grief work it is so important to set goals that are appropriate for where you are. Earlier this year my goals were to go to the gym and change into my workout clothes and if I wanted to go home right away I could but once I was there and dressed I always wanted to exercise for at least a bit.

Any goals from getting out of bed to shower and put on clean pajamas before returning to sob under the covers, to serious physical training, to finding a therapist, to expressing yourself through art, and everything in between are appropriate. What can you do this week to take good care of yourself?

I'll post a linky thing every week for a while to see if this is interesting to people. If you are interested in participating in healthy behavior please join in!

How does a babylost mama mother?

2010-07-15T14:11:00.002-04:00

The women around me who are newly pregnant with their second children really have me on edge lately. Now, I know that I don't have to discuss babies, or pregnancy with them and it's ok to even avoid them entirely, but the levels of poor self-worth and the number of self-judgments are getting out of control.

I'm reading about mudita which is the ability to be truly happy for the good things that happen to other people and I'll write more about it soon because it is good stuff, but the point that sticks with me most right now is this:

The happiness and joy that others experience does not lessen the happiness and joy that I experience.

There is not a limited amount of joy that all inhabitants of the world must share; joy is not a resource that we have to compete for.

.....

I was walking behind someone who I suspect is pregnant with her second baby, kind of critiquing her outfit (short skirt with tennis shoes), then wondering how she has such muscular calves when she has a child under 2. And that is how quickly self-judgments happen! She has a beautiful family and shapely legs while I have no family and am struggling with my weight. I made myself feel inadequate by comparing my life to hers - she did nothing!

Then I remembered "her joy does not diminish my joy", and that really did make me feel better :)

Then the train of thought jumped to thinking about what it would be like to mother a child and then I remembered that because I had a son I am a mother, but the action of mothering a missing baby is very different than caring for a living child.

What does a babylost mama do to mother her missing baby? Are there any tangible mothering activities?

Here's what I do:
1. I raise money and walk in the March for Babies. This is something that I do to remind people that Toren existed, raise awareness that sometimes - too many times - pregnancies do not end with a new member of the family, and to help prevent future parents from bringing home a memory box instead of a live baby.

2. I let Toren know he is loved. Ok, this isn't so tangible. I don't know what happens after death. Heaven?, reincarnation?, nothing? - this is just a question that is too big for me, but I know what personal mix of these gives me comfort so that is what I go with. Anyway, believing that Toren's soul is out there somewhere I let him know that he is dearly loved. I don't know where his soul was before he came to me and I don't know where he went to or where his journey will take him. Living can be so hard sometimes - there are people who are not loved and treasured as much as we all deserve. Whatever path Toren's soul takes, at least for his time here on Earth with me he was loved unconditionally, and he is deeply loved still, and he will be treasured as my dear son forever. Perhaps it means something.

That's all I've thought of so far.

.....

How do you mother your lost baby or babies?

Prelude to a donut

2010-07-14T23:05:00.000-04:00

Earlier this evening I bought a box of tampons and a box of gluten-free cinnamon donuts, so that explains today's sensitive mood. Sigh. It's hard to completely push aside the thoughts that not only is a baby not on the horizon, I'm still preventing pregnancy. Cycling on and on. Eggs dwindling. Scary thoughts of missing my chance on top of surging hormones. But you gotta just get through the day and act like you feel great because there's no room for on-going grief at the office.

Today I created a flyer for work and I thought it was so good! I spent time making it beautiful and informative and was certain that my bosses would love it and be happy with my work. They had so many suggestions for changes that it would turn into something completely different. They hated it. I almost cried right there. It's crushing to be so wrong about something.

.....

On Monday prego-colleague asked about yoga classes since I was reading Yoga Journal. She doesn't like yoga but may try it again anyway. I offered to let her borrow my prenatal yoga DVD but since she didn't seem excited about it I'm not going to dig it out. "Dig" is pretty literal in this sense. First the paper recycling bin must be moved, then the garden cart and some large tools. Then the little door will be revealed and the clasps on either side have to be released so the door may be lifted away. Inside this little cubby of the garage is left over paint, Christmas decorations, and childhood memorabilia. This is also where everything pregnancy related was thrown in November of 2007. The DVD should be in there but there are also books, clothes, and small, pure white onesies, among things I have forgotten about, that will have to be touched and moved until the DVD is found. It seems wrong to touch these things since I'm not expecting a baby. The trip down memory lane to find that DVD would be way more painful for me than any amount of enjoyment that p-c would get from using the video so fuck it.

Anyway, it's from my time with Toren. P-c would never know that I only did the video one or two times before the 6 weeks bleeding and restriction from unnecessary activity started. She would not think to ask about how I liked the video since as a women with a deadbaby I was never "really" pregnant. It's like pregnancies ending in live birth are real but pregnancies ending in death were just a silly dream. Babies born alive are real babies while those that die were never meant to be anyway so one can't be that sad about it.

.....

Back in November of 2007, with heart and soul writing in pain, I truly believed that the grief would ease and I'd return back to "normal" around the start of the new year. I was very wrong about that.

This path of grief has been a difficult journey. So dark, damp and lonely. Frightening cliffs. Step after step towards the rainbow ahead that seems to remain out of reach. I'm proud that I kept working through my grief and I'm happy to no longer be consumed by it. But some days it seems impossible that I still miss that tiny boy. After nearly 3 years why do I still think of Toren a hundred times a day?

My love for Toren has not diminished over time. The pain of living without him is so acute some days.

.....

It's time for me to snuggle into bed with the donuts. Goodnight!

Deadbaby mama body image

2010-07-01T11:21:00.003-04:00

It was the development of boobs that sparked my body "issues". The budding bosom went unnoticed by 11 year old me until a snotty little girl pointed them out. 24 years later I am well versed with disliking parts of my body. Those boobs that started so early ended up being quite small, my ass is some kind of fat magnet, my skin is permanently traumatized from teenage hormones. Toss some sexual abuse into the mix and my body became more distant and uglier.

And this is a pervasive problem; how many of you are reciting your mental list of the flaws you think your body has right now?

And then my body couldn't make a healthy baby. Suddenly clear skin and cellulite free thighs disappeared as worries. I stopped looking at my body. I stopped yoga. Stopped dancing. I hated my body for killing the baby; sometimes I am still so angry with this flesh that failed so badly. Along with emotional grieving, this body also mourned: the aches from an utterly empty uterus, the breasts that swelled with milk and then never returned to normal since I never lost weight, arms that needed to hold a baby so badly that they clenched and throbbed and then disappeared. It's like mind, arms, womb, breasts, voice all separated, dissociating to grieve privately, unable to also feel the pain of the other parts.

My doctors told me over and over that one can't do anything to cause bilateral renal agenesis and that it wasn't my fault, but then who's to blame? The undeveloped organs were caused by something happening or not happening and I know exactly where Toren was for his entire life so this wasn't something that occurred when he was outside of my care.

* * * * *

My stages of grief work went like this:
1. Shock and numbness
2. Get through each day
3. Get through each day sober

And now it's time to gather the body parts together to re-integrate as a whole person. Before attempting a subsequent family (new partner and perhaps a pregnancy that may turn into a take-home baby) I want to feel whole, strong, capable, and ready. This may sound weird but it's like my pregnancy with Toren has not ended yet. Where a mother's body is concerned, pregnancy should go like this: pregnancy weight gain, huge belly, lose weight with delivery, lose more weight breastfeeding, and finally going on a diet to get back to one's pre-pregnancy weight. Toren's pregnancy stalled out at the pregnancy weight gain step. I'm still hanging on to him, still waiting for the outcome that was "supposed" to happen.

Defeated uterus, tired brain, futile breasts, and painfully empty arms ... being well indoctrinated that the cure to most physical annoyances is to lose weight, going on a diet was my automatic first solution. Can a diet make a deadbaby mama whole? Where are the magazine articles addressing this body image problem? I don't think weight loss itself is the key, however the healthy behaviors that often lead to weight loss, such as exercise and a nutritious diet, could be beneficial. Even so a weight loss ticker has been added off to the right.

Here's how these extra 28 pounds came to be:

8 pounds from writing my thesis (no exercise + take out for 3 months)
12 pounds of pregnancy weigh gain (which is mysterious and embarrassing since Toren was so tiny and there was no amniotic fluid)
8 pounds from consuming impressive quantities of wine for 2 years

Changes made so far:

Only occasional drinking (2-4 drinks per week), tapering down to wondrously sparse alcohol consumption.
Making a salad or sandwich for lunch instead of bringing a microwave meal.
Personal training - however my gym use has been limited due to my broken patella - bah!

Anyway, I may write out weekly health goals here. If anyone would like to become healthier with me I will set up a McLinky and every week we can post our goals.

* * * * *
Now for a "you-simply-can't-stop-being-annoyingly-pregnant-can-you?" blurb.

Yesterday I asked my pregnant colleague who talks about all the stuff she needs me to do while she is on maternity leave in December how her dr's appointment was (because it is polite to ask). The answer was that she waited for an hour to see the dr for 2 minutes and that prenatal visits are a waste of time, however she did get to hear the heartbeat. Either she really finds pregnancy boring because she's already successfully carried a pregnancy to the end or she is minimizing her excitement for my benefit so I won't think that being pregnant is anything to write home about.

Can you believe that? She told me that prenatal visits were a waste of time - like I had never been to one and would never want to go to one now!

Prenatal visits were anything but a waste of time for me. The first 2 were normal and exciting but after the heavy bleeding starting at week 13 the visits were more frequent and I held my breath each time until the doppler picked up Toren's heartbeat. Then of course there was the anatomy visit and boy do I ever wish that were a boring day rather than the day that began years of agonizing sorrow.

She's planning a c-section, which I have no issue with, but the reason she told me was that when she was induced for her last delivery she waited for 20 hours (boring) and then had a c-section. I didn't say that it took 72 hours from the time my induction began to when Toren was delivered, but it didn't feel like a long time because there were so many emotions to process and fears to conquer. I was in no rush to leave the hospital without him.

This is all really bitchy but it illustrates the different perspectives on simple things that come along with a deadbaby.

The plan is in action

2010-06-29T12:05:00.000-04:00

Thank you all for the support regarding my idea to have a baby, it's so helpful to hear that it is not a terrible plan and in fact it sounds like a wonderful plan!

That night I spoke with SnuggleBunny about it. He was not freaked out one little bit! Instead he is very excited and mentions it almost everyday. He is way more comfortable with the idea of having a baby than I am :)

He has some terms though - he wants to be there, he wants to be an active parent, he wants us to live together, he wants us to be a family. SB understands well that I do not want to get married but aside from the ceremony and legal binding we are talking about being together in a situation that will look very much like marriage.

I flip back and forth between being scared out of my mind and being overwhelmed with the romance of it all.

Last weekend he said that he would like to live together for a little while before we have a baby - this never occurred to me! But it is a very good idea. But this makes it seem very real and I don't think I'm as ready for this as I thought I was. The baby part is much easier to consider than having a family complete with SB. An estimated time for when he will move in has not been decided on yet.

Here are some issues:
1. SB and I met about 11 months ago, which isn't that long. But since I reject the idea of marriage I can also reject the idea of knowing a person for a few years before being a family together. In my gut I think it will work out very well for at least a while.

2. I like my financial independence, even though I have so little money. We will not share a bank account but that means he will have to contribute to the bills and it's uncomfortable to me to have him owe rent since he wouldn't be a real renter. But we would have to decide on a way to share the costs of living without either one of us taking on too much (which that one of us would be me since I habitually pay for health insurance, gym memberships, and what not for boys. I gave SB a gym membership for his birthday - see, I can't stop!). He said that we would simply split the house payment and utility bills.

3. I like having some evenings alone. It's good for me to have time when I'm not influenced by anyone else. Will my moods be dependent enough on his moods that I become lost again?

4. I like my housemates but they would have to leave. Which would make me even more dependent on SB paying rent.

I asked SB what would happen if we lived together but then couldn't get pregnant or have a living baby and he said we would adopt. No hesitation.

After being treated like crap by my husband it's hard to accept that SB truly wants to be with me. He wants to live with me. He wants to have a baby with me and he thinks I would be a great mother. All of these lovely thoughts float along the surface of the huge bubble of bad marriage hurt that encompasses my soul. I see that I could be happy and that this is exciting news that I could tell people about (you all are the first to know). It's kind of like a non-engagement announcement. We are preparing to join our lives.

Back to cynicism and worry - what else should I take into account with this plan to have SB move in?

ICLW Baseball

2010-06-22T14:03:00.004-04:00

Kym conjured up this fun game in a dream!

Here's what to do if you want to play ICLW Baseball:
1. Copy these instructions and post them on your blog.
2. Answer the Base Questions.
3. Find other participating bloggers who have the same answers you do. Find at least one blogger for each base and link back to them in your baseball post. You may find more than one blogger with common answers for each post base. Your post will be a work in progress. Get YOUR base answers up ASAP, then go back often to edit and add the links of bloggers who share answers with you!
4. Once your base answers are up, go to I'm a Smart One/Kymberli's blog and add your baseball post hyperlink to the list. Kym's blog is home base; check the list to find the other players.

My answers:

1st base - Club soda

2nd base - Bone Garden Cantina (it's not a chain though so I think any amazing, local Mexican restaurant could count as being the same answer)

3rd base - February (the 10th) - shared with Kym and Mrs. Dreamer
and Megan

Home - Finding Nemo - shared with Dragondreamer's Lair

2010-06-16T10:13:00.002-04:00

Oh boy that was a huge pity party yesterday! I sobbed for hours, which has not happened in a long time. A big cry fest has been lurking in the periphery for months now so it was time to get all out. The pregnancy announcement plus PMS plus muscle spasms from a new knee brace, and the stage was set for tears.

*****

"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself." - William Faulkner

I can continue feeling sorry for myself, which is justifiable since the past 2+ years have been full of super sucky events, or I can be better than myself.

So do I want to have a baby? The lack of a husband does not seem like a large obstacle anymore. To make that happen here is what I need:

1. A new job that pays a whole lot of money. I am ready to get back into research and leave this underpaying administrative job behind. And call me a bitch but I DO NOT WANT to cover my colleagues work while she is on maternity leave again. Last time I worked my ass off only to stay underpaid and the only reason I was able to work such long hours was because I had no family to go home to at night. I would be too resentful this time around.

2. Talk to SnuggleBunny and see if he wants to reproduce with me. I think he will, but if not, I need to find other sperm.

That's it.

*****

Do I want a child though? I want Toren; will a different one be ok?

Issue 1: Other people's children annoy me - one, because they exist here on Earth and Toren doesn't and try as I may to not be bitter about this all of the time the fact is that this still hurts and it still feels so unfair; and two, kids ARE rather annoying! but there are plenty of women who only really like their own children so it's ok to feel this way.

Issue 2: I feel like a basket case much of the time still. But I think this is temporary and life is slowing getting more organized.

Right now the most compelling reason to try for a baby that lives is that I have had two pregnancies and both ended traumatically. If there is never a positive pregnancy ending to counter the horrible ones will I feel like I'm missing out on something important? Do I want to leave life still completely heartbroken where reproduction is concerned? Even if I always feel sad that Toren is dead, I think it is possible to gain some healing from fulfilling the dream to mother a child. There were so many things I was going to do for Toren - I am missing out on sharing some of the beauty of living with a child.

*****

It's a lot to consider. But enough chatter for now - I need to kick ass at work to get closer to a new job!

"I wish you'd never learned to weep"

2010-06-15T18:38:00.011-04:00

I must have listened to "Pure" by the Lightning Seeds thousands of times as a young girl. Even after so many years I remember every word.

So there I am in the ladies room at work blotting tears quickly because I need to pull it together and get back to my office and my brain remembered that line. "I wish you'd never learned to weep"

It's like tears are for the shorter lived sorrows but once you weep you cannot go back. You can't un-learn it. And quietly in the back stall, weeping was exactly what happened just minutes after smiling, reassuring, and asking questions after my colleague told me she was pregnant. Since I began this blog she has already had a baby. SHE ALREADY HAS ONE. The little boy who wouldn't smile for me a few weeks back.

Where is mine?

I tried to have a baby and that turned into unimaginable heartache. I tried to have a baby and my entire life fell apart. Two and a half years later I'm still trying to put things back together.

*****

The past two days have been incredible - I made progress towards getting a student loan out of default, a housemate issue is improving, and my fractured patella is healing well and I'm now able to wear a flexible, supportive knee brace instead of the one that has kept my knee straight for the last 3 weeks. But these are really just situations where a something bad is getting better, and it's so pathetic that I was so truly happy about these things just hours ago. I understand now why she has been distant and distracted and it sucks that when I stopped by her office to chat she was probably just thinking about how she needed to tell me about her pregnancy because she knows it is a sensitive topic for me.

*****

A "sensitive topic" - that's how I act about it when really it is a soul smashing topic that strikes down whatever lightness was buoying up the leaden weight in my chest. And then this body remembers what it was like to carry a baby, and not just any baby, MY precious little boy. This body remembers releasing him into the world and then these arms released him and he went to the morgue and I went home. Empty womb, empty arms, empty home.

If emptiness had a sound I think it would be weeping - weeping echoing on and on and on.

*****
"still I love you"

2010-06-10T13:29:00.000-04:00

Thank you all so much for listening to my last rant and giving such supportive feedback. It is a confusing situation with the collisions of past and present. I don't know if BF's new friend is a warning sign or red flag, or just simply a new friendship with someone who happens to be female. My gut says run away, but that would really be running away from the actions of my ex, which are in the past. I hope that makes sense.

I sent an e-mail explaining why I was being so distant (it's best if he has time to think about potentially troubling information so e-mail is better than face to face) and I'll just see what happens from there.

The scars that we carry can be exhausting. One deadbaby and suddenly seeing a pregnant women or baby becomes so COMPLICATED. There's the social norm that says we should be happy for pregnant women and seeing a baby should be a joyous experience. And even bitter old me gets emotional thinking about how that women is experiencing the complete and pure love that I have for Toren and I am happy when people get to feel that love because it is so beautiful. But then there's all of the other feelings: confusion over why others get living babies and I didn't, rage that my life is lived without my son, sorrowful nausea because by womb and arms still feel so empty.

One ended marriage to an unfaithful partner and I'm having trust issues over something that has not been proven to be suspect and even though I don't think trust is necessary for a romantic relationship. At least I don't want trust to be necessary.

And there are countless other ways that people can be hurt and react over and over to situations that happened before.

It's scary and sad that we can feel heartbroken over and over from things of the past.

Do any of you have weird emotional triggers?
There are certain restaurants that I won't go to because my husband and used to eat there together.
I get angry at SUV's because I wanted one to drive my kid around in. If I ever need a car that holds more than two people I'll probably go for a sedan - who knows though, maybe someday I could turn back into a softer person and fulfill that old wish for a mommy mobile.

2010-06-07T14:38:00.002-04:00

I know I'm in this office to work but sometimes a girl can only take so many "Can I get this done NOW?"s Before she snaps and retreats to blogland for a bit. The reports, letters, e-mails to write and phone calls to return are now prioritized behind expressing my feelings.

And what I'm feeling is this: depleted

I spent Friday through Saturday night celebrating BF's birthday. The wee hours of Sunday were not great; without details, he was very ill from alcohol and I am a freaking saint. Then Sunday I canceled my plans to drive the still drunk boy to a dj job. It was fun hanging out where he was but it was so hot. I was positive, pleasant, patient, and encouraging all day. Driving home I tell him how much I enjoyed meeting one of his female friends at dinner the night before (she and I talked and talked!) and then it turns out that at dinner was the first time they had met in person but they have been talking on-line for months.

Can you say "emotional trigger"? He and I haven't been intimate lately - he is not interested - and now he's getting to know other girls on-line then meeting up with them. On the emotional level it doesn't matter that I was at dinner too, right now all that matters is that I've seen this pattern of behavior before and it ended so painfully.

There is no need for BF to be trusted - I don't need to trust him in the sense that I will not have so much of my life entwined with his that every part of life is negatively impacted if he were to suddenly be gone. But the worry that there are quiet conversations going on behind my back takes me to that anxious place where boys lie about their love, fuck around, and ultimately leave you with all of the household responsibilities and bills even though you fought your instincts and forgave over and over.

.....

I'm mulling over "trust". How important is it? Do we need to trust others to fully love or care for someone? Can one have a meaningful life without trusting or relying on anyone else?

2010-06-02T12:53:00.002-04:00

I couldn't make the little boy smile. Or wave. Or say hello. He's about 1 and a half years old.

It's harder than it should be, you know. I figured that perhaps the time for looking away or hiding when babies are in view has to end, but now I feel shot down. Silly huh? I don't spend time with babies or children so of course I'm not practiced, but it makes me think that I'm innately horrible with children. So horrible and anti-motherly that my baby died. I repelled him away.

I must not look maternal either - people rarely ask me if I have any children (we're talking once or twice a year I'll be asked about kids). And now I waver back and forth with desire to reproduce. A few weeks ago it was all I could think about but most of the time I simply wish that Toren were here and I have little interest in other babies. I messed up his life before he was even born, the prospect of making further fatal reproductive mistakes is nauseating. And yes, yes, I know that I didn't do anything to cause him not to develop all of his organs - I know it but I don't believe it all of the time.

And that is the mental trip I took all because a tiny boy was shy.

How do you all really feel about other babies post babyloss (your own or others')? Is it healing? Awkward? Still heartbreaking?

Blog anniversary

2010-05-22T21:06:00.007-04:00

My blog is two years old today :)

This is kind of sacred territory - still hidden from the people that I know in real life but it doesn't exactly feel anonymous anymore since I feel so close to fellow babylost bloggers and some of you are fb friends. Anniversaries seem like a time of reflection but I can't sum up the past two years neatly. It's like the answer isn't known yet.

Baby died = devastating
Husband left = betrayal and shame on top of devastation
Figured out how to take care of myself = housemates, boyfriend, therapy, antidepressants

Devastation + betrayal and shame - learning independence = ?
Has it all balanced out yet?

But the really important parts of the journey don't have words yet. Am I ok with the baby dying and my husband leaving? It feels like events that sad and life altering leave a permanent imprint on your soul and body. Time and antidepressants and new love ease the anguish but the memories are still so fresh. Dividing the line between being sunk in sorrow and being a capable adult again is this huge wall built of "Once the Universe decided that my baby would die", "Once I held my son and knew that I would do anything to protect him and that loving him was what I was on Earth to do, and then his body went to the morgue while I left the hospital cradling his memory box", "Once my husband left me without warning and I was so alone, so embarrassed, and so lost that I tried to kill myself and was taken to a mental hospital, involuntarily, in the back of a police car".

The stories of "I knew someone who bled through their entire pregnancy and the baby was fine", "I knew someone who had a scary ultrasound and their baby was fine", "I knew someone whose baby was sick but we all prayed and the baby turned out fine" don't apply here. And no one tells tales of "I knew someone who loved their baby as much as you love yours and hers died". Those life stories are silenced until they have no importance in life away from a grief blog or support group. Those life changing, beyond important stories, are silenced.

Leaning on that wall is where I remain. I am capable of doing so much in terms of being a "normal person" but not everyday; some days I'm back to feeling so sick that I can't possibly leave the house. Going out to see anyone from "before" other than my closest friends is not even considered anymore. I have a wonderful boyfriend but I can't tell him that I love him. That level of commitment is simply not safe.

Love is not safe. But love is the most beautiful thing in life. How can one release themselves to love after learning that what you love dearly can be ripped away?

........

Ooops, I meant to tell you about other things, fun things, and show garden photos. I meant to comment on the progress made from the beginning of this blog so that others would know that healing is possible. Snuggle bunny is here which means it's time to perk up, so real fast:

I thought this Clematis was dead two years ago but check out the mass of blooms it has this year.

Squash blossom

Fading yucca blooms - these flowers are amazing
This is what I'm listening to - fun, energetic music :D

Prelude to divorce #2

2010-05-18T23:30:00.002-04:00

I guess that last email from him provided the inspiration needed to clean out the garage a bit. Every so often I'll tidy things up and toss things out in the garage but mere weeks later what remains never fails to explode, leaving memorabilia of a marriage as shrapnel. After deciding that I definitely should toss the candle holder that he made in high school into the donation bag at the last minute it ended up being set aside to consider later. It's not just memories of our marriage left behind, it's memories of our respective childhoods.

I remember using that candle stick in his room that was in the basement of his mother's home. We spent countless hours together in that room and when things became too strained at my house I moved in to his room. Was that the first time that he rescued me? No... we had known each other too long by then, but it's the memory that stands out now. When we were teenagers I viewed him as so safe and gentle; I was sure that he would never hurt me the way my mother had been treated by her husbands. It was like striking gold and I clung to him - he was my ticket to a secure lifestyle. I believed that we would live our entire lives together and even if we divorced one day it was inconceivable that we would not have regular contact. He was my best friend. I loved him and believed in him. I was 22 when we married.

Hindsight can hurt so much sometimes.

Considering the situations I lived in while a minor, it's clear why a marriage to such a private person was not only acceptable but something to be proud of. Years ticked by and our marriage lasted longer than some of our parents marriages (they were all married quite a few times). We were going to make recent family tree history by growing old together. Frequently others would say they wanted a relationship like we had.

Somewhere along the way things started to change and it was so gradual that I guess neither one of us noticed how wrong things were becoming. He became more secretive; I started to act erratically and loneliness and jealously towards the women he would spend so much alone time with led to huge crying spells. He would be able to explain everything and over time I became the emotional and unpredictable one. I needed to be cared for; he wanted to "fix" me.

He later said that he could never make me happy, that it was impossible for him to fix me. And he was right, but not because I was beyond repair.

............

His email included a reminder that I got everything - the house, furniture, the weird/cool household maintenance tools that he deemed unimportant enough to leave behind: rakes, a few screwdrivers, box cutter, socket thingies, but where is the part they snap into?

I did end up with all of these items but only because he left them/us behind. While he was moving out, when asked about what he wanted to take, my pummeled heart received another punch when he didn't want much. It was like he wanted no memories of the "us" portion of his life to follow him on to greener pastures. Why is he now saying between the lines that I'm ungrateful for making use of the objects he rejected? That's much easier to answer than "how is it possible that we matured into our 30's in such different directions?"

............

Sifting through the garage odds and ends was unfortunately short lived. Where health is concerned, you will not believe the series of events during my blogging hiatus but it is indeed all true.

3 weeks ago a day long fever evolved into conjunctivitis in both eyes, laryngitis for 5 days and a round of antibiotics (I was negative for strep at this time). Instead of getting better my throat became even more sore. Today my health care provider diagnosed a viral infection AND a strep infection. Already this round of antibiotics is helping. Since I was sent home from work until 24 hours of antibiotics were completed and I don't feel that bad besides a cough and raw throat, it seemed like a great time to tidy the garage. I kid you not after about 30 minutes I tripped over an extension cord (so essentially nothing) and landed hard on my knee onto the concrete floor. It didn't swell up too bad (I say this even though almost all of the definition of my knee is gone, despite hours of ice and ibuprofen) so I'm waiting before seeing a doctor but walking is painful and since I'm in cootie isolation SnuggleBunny can't come over to help me.

My blogging hiatus was intended to be all about action and experiences and while I have had some great times, the Universe seems to want me to be still. So here I am, reluctantly acquiescing to a period of rest. It's frustrating but my spirits are oddly good! Things are not going as planned, I have been in minor pain and tired for 3 weeks, I've replaced contact lenses, mascara, and toothbrushes, bought new glasses (easing the insult of pink eye by replacing glasses that were a nearly decade old), I may have messed up my knee (cross your fingers that it will just be a bad bruise), I have missed work, I am adjusting to a higher dose of wel.bu.trin. But also I'm not sinking into depression or becoming engulfed with anger when I think about how difficult my husband is being. He is simply behaving as he often did by ignoring me until responding in a demeaning manner and defending himself, but instead of following the habit of negative reaction I think "this is how he is, why would I expect anything else?"

I wish he could really hear me but it is impossible. Anyway, that's all for tonight.

Well...

2010-04-20T23:27:00.006-04:00

Around here lately blog posts don't make it past the random thoughts noted on scraps of paper. I'm still following along with my favorite blogging friends but commenting is rare. Rather than feeling like a slacker it's time to just flow with it.

So what next?

This landscape still cannot accommodate a baby. And that is both ok and gut wrenching.

It's not clear where this story fits in with the majority of related blogs. There is no "rainbow baby". No TTC. No problems with TTC discovered. No worries over subsequent pregnancies.
.....
And on that topic I'd like to digress and say a huge "fuck off" to all of those people who said I could have another baby. Beyond insensitive and thoughtless it was such a rude thing to say while Toren - deeply cherished, "incompatible with life" Toren - was still LIVING inside me. Such a simplistic thing to say given the genetic testing to be done, the grief, and the huge strain that one tiny deadbaby can put on a marriage.

"You can have another one". Like life doesn't become complicated. Like hearts mend so quickly. We all know how annoying that "comforting" statement is and I thought I was over it but what is really rage inducing lately is that statement was a lie. I wanted Toren, but before him I wanted a baby, and that generic desire is still there. Part of me needed to believe that having another baby would heal some of the hurt. Insensitive sure, but I also needed to believe that those uttering "you can have another one" were speaking the truth. It's been almost 2 and a half years since Toren died and there is not another one here or even on the horizon.

Where is my other one?
.....

There's no ending of this blog or creation of a new one due to momentous, perspective changing events in this story. Toren is still dead. My husband is still gone (but while this was devastating for quite a while it's turned into an hugely positive situation). It has all been so difficult. In the beginning of this blog I honestly did not think I could ever not be consumed by sorrow but this is not the case anymore.

This has to change from my anonymous grief blog into ... what?

................................

I do want my blog to transform rather than end because even though so much of the story is over MY story is has not ended yet - if that makes any sense. Toren's story is over - he lived for a short while then he died. The story of my marriage ended after 11 years (even though those divorce papers are still not signed, the marriage is over).

Before Toren I was hollow, so afraid of offending, so devoid of personal expression that I was practically not alive. Accompanying Toren were emotions that were too intense not to feel and the husband exodus left behind the space needed to fully absorb and process the grief, anger, sorrow, rage, and most importantly, love. So no longer hollow, no longer drowning in grief ...

I may step away from the internet for a bit and participate more in life to find things to write about. You are all always in my heart and I'll catch up with you all later.

Screech!

2010-04-07T10:28:00.002-04:00

X, I hate you. I wish you were not in my life AT ALL you greedy, fucking jerk.

I am not beaten down and I will not give into his wishes. Just needing a little support. I need to reassurance that I can stand up for myself.

:(

Easter baskets for you!

2010-03-29T22:56:00.004-04:00

Beautiful Mess sent a virtual Easter basket for Toren's birthday! For each post in the Hershey's Better Basket Blog Hop, Hershey's will donate $10 to the Children's Miracle Network. The blog post must occur before 12pm on April 4th so hop to it and give baskets to your blogging friends!

The official rules:

HERSHEY’S BETTER BASKET BLOG HOP RULES

Copy and paste these rules to your blog post.
Create a blog post giving a virtual Easter Basket to another blogger – you can give as many Virtual Baskets as you want.
Link back to person who gave you an Easter Basket.
Let each person you are giving a Virtual Easter Basket know you have given them a Basket.
Leave your link at BetterBasket.info/BlogHop comment section. You can also find the official rules of this #betterbasket blog hop, and more information about Better Basket with Hershey’s there.
Hershey’s is donating $10 per each blog participating to the Better Basket Blog Hop to Children’s Miracle Network (up to total of $5,000 by blog posts written by April 4th, 2010).
Please note that only one blog post by each blog url will count towards the donation.

I'm giving a basket to everyone who reads this but I'll also name a few names:

Bree (this could be something fun to do while on bedrest)
Zil
Reba
Catherine W
angelseashore
myskytimes
bluebirdsinging
Hope
Lisette
Sara
Sophie
Quiet Dreams

Not all of you are currently maintaining public blogs so just know that I was thinking of you and appreciated the birthday wishes for Toren.

Ahh, a light hearted posts feel good :)

Around this time

2010-03-28T09:00:00.000-04:00

You would have turned 2

I still miss you.

............

I'm out of town and this is set up to be posted Sunday morning, on the anniversary of Toren's EDD. On this day I'll be helping a friend move, unpacking the moving truck we packed the day before.

..........

Toren, there is nothing I'd rather be doing more than having a birthday party for you.

I guess the terrible two's would be starting ... naively I think that a toddler asserting himself through tantrums and screams would be preferable to this unending silence.

For the second anniversary of a day when nothing changed, words are hard to capture. I tried for a baby but instead got a broken heart, memory box and an ex-husband. But the all consuming anguish is over. Now it's just day after day of coming closer to understanding with all of my being that Toren is not coming back to me. It still is shocking on some level that the little being that I continue to care so much for could truly be gone. In a soap opera it would turn out that he had actually lived and grown in an incubator after scientists administered an experimental drug that prompted organ development. After enough time grieving, so that I properly learned to love and cherish another human being, he would be given back to me.

Sometimes he feels that close. Tonight he feels very far away though.

........

Sunday morning I will wake up in an unknown place, joke around with my friends, unpack a moving truck, continue to lift furniture and carry boxes well past the point of spinal comfort, say goodbye to someone starting a new phase of her life, and get a ride home. Most likely no one will remember that I almost had a baby at this time two years ago. No one outside of here knows that I might as well spend what could have been Toren's birthday being helpful because there is no reason to stay at home.

.......

He feels so very far away. I wish I were preparing a party with family and friends for my little boy instead of honoring my love for Toren alone with his memory box.

Thank you for recognizing how important this very ordinary day actually is for me. I hope wherever our babies are has vanilla cupcakes for their special days. May they always know how loved they are.

2010-03-12T22:40:00.001-05:00

The sky looks like dusk but it's only in the noon hour.

Every day glorious and horrific events occur - not to everyone everyday, but I think everyone gets each of them every so often.

This morning my friend's mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. In general, this form of cancer does not have a good prognosis. Today the sky over Atlanta weeps with J.

Just like that world views start to change. One moment you are absorbed in the mundane - the beautiful, peaceful mundane! - and ten seconds later life looks very different. Darker, sadder, lonelier. Plans for the future start to unravel as the life you are preparing for flashes by.

goodbye goodbye goodbye

You all have been there. However the information enters, with just a few words or a simple glance, so many important things change. Then your mind argues with the facts; it takes so long for a loss to be fully integrated...

.........................

But somewhere out there many someone's had a glorious day! Was it any of you or someone you know?

......................

My day? Fine, safe, boring - I've taken to my bed with a cold, stubbornly refusing to leave the boundaries of the house until this congestion clears, comfortably sensing that nothing terribly bad will personally touch me tonight. My heart is with J. More on wherever this post was headed soon but for now I wish you all a good night.

Sock it to me!

2010-03-06T18:45:00.004-05:00

Kym herself (the brains behind Sock it to Me) got my name in the sock exchange and she completely spoiled me! Look at the beautiful socks she sent me!

Here's what the note Kym included said:
"Butterflies for Toren, a new car for taking the wheel of your new life, and ballet slippers for the hopes that not only will you walk in heels again, but that you'll also be able to gracefully dance when life keeps you on your toes"

I have already found great comfort with these socks (I had to wash the race car ones before the photo shoot!). While my socks will not be worn in stirrups anytime soon (if ever), outside of my annual gyno visit, they ready for visits with lawyers, divorce finalization day (thinking positively here, I don't know when that's actually going to happen), and for those days when I still feel sad (happens more than I like to admit so luckily there are 3 pairs of socks!).

...........

2009 was a really diverse year for me. The year started out with me longing for my husband to realize that he loved me and return home - THAT feels like a long time ago! I rented out rooms in my house so that I could afford to pay the mortgage. I started DATING, and ended up with a BOYFRIEND. And, something that was not written about much here, I began opening up to my family and sharing some honest thoughts with them, which I have not done as an adult before and never would have without having "practiced" on y'all.

You all, my blogging friends, read along and offered encouragement and advice through that emotional year, and never did any one here express frustration that it took so long for me to move on from Toren dying and from my husband leaving. That has been vital. Probably only through the patience of listeners who understand that some losses just hurt for a very long time was I able to start reforming my life.

Starting this anonymous blog and "meeting" so many great people has truly been a beautiful experience.

..............

With so much grief worked through, in 2010 I am able to participate more in life, in blog activities (such as SITM), and offer the view of someone who has survived the initial, crushing heartbreak of losing a baby in supporting others. And of course I'll still be bitching and complaining over here! I still have to get divorced! And this lousy depression lingers on so certainly more pity party posts are predicted (although I hope to actually recover from depression this year).

...........

Anyway thanks everyone for reading along and commenting - it has meant so much. Check out the other SITM posts here. And, the adorable dog in the photo belongs to one of my housemates and her name is Diamond :)

2010-02-16T17:11:00.001-05:00

Would you believe that now I don't want to share that much of him with other people?

Too morbid?

2010-02-15T20:18:00.003-05:00

Hey y'all, check out my March for Babies widget just to the right. I replaced the ultrasound photo that I used last year with an actual photo of Toren because I love this photo of him. But tell me honestly, will this be too much for "other" people - you know, not deadbaby parents. I wouldn't want this photo to turn people off from donating.

Friday Photo Challenge

2010-02-12T22:45:00.004-05:00

The Steadfast Warrior's Friday photo challenge! This week the theme is "Celebrations"

This photo is titled "Thank you deities for that incident free drive home"

Ok, I know you all up North are buried in snow so I am certainly not complaining about the several inches we got here. But the South doesn't do snow well, for instance today it took me 90 minutes to drive the 10 miles between my office and home. That, of course, is not counting the break I took to pick up some groceries on the way home. The first area of the store visited was the ladies room (since I had just spent 40 minutes driving about 3 miles and did not want to have to sit in slush and traffic for the rest of the drive while having to pee), then the wine section where the bottles above were recommended, then a search for dinner (gluten-free pizza), lastly an apple for a snack since I suspected the rest of the drive home may take a while.

When bad weather is approaching my Mother will call me from across the country to remind me to stock up on bottled water, canned foods, and batteries. She is always prepared and could survive for quite a while on her stockpile of sustenance, thus she is appalled that I have to stop by the store most days to pick up food. She would be proud that I purchased enough groceries to last through the weekend, however she may not agree that stocking up on wine and junk food is the best way to go about that.

........

Now for a late night ramble.

Do you ever feel like the "bad" one in your family?

It's only been relatively recently that my relationship with my parents moved on from the past and turned into something more honest. I'm not close to my siblings and the path of the past leading to that divide is easy to trace but an adult relationship never evolved. And I don't know if it will because I feel like a bad person compared to some of them. I don't go to church. I spend what little extra money I have on unnecessary things like alcohol, eating out, therapy, and the occasional massage or pedicure. I have a failed marriage. I terminated Toren's life because he wasn't "good enough". I found a new boyfriend and am having plenty of sex with no intention to ever marry again.

Of course I don't know what they actually think so these judgments are simply coming from me. They probably don't think of me at all, just like my husband.

Bland Anna. Invisible Anna.

But don't you sometimes feel like you are being negatively judged because you failed at making living babies or because of a failed marriage or because you made a decision that few people can understand? When I "feel" judged by people who don't matter to me I get pissed and move on but feeling that coming from family members is so very indescribably sad.

I guess I just feel bad right now because I would like to get to know them better but how to go about doing that is a mystery. We are so different and I'm just afraid that they have no desire to get to know me.

Have any of you reconnected with a relative or friend? How did it turn out? Do you have any advice?

Prelude to divorce

2010-02-07T10:58:00.004-05:00

It is taking a very long time to get the divorce papers filed. I knew divorce would be the outcome of our story way back in late November 2008; people must be wondering when it will actually happen.

It's very complicated though. Without closure from him - the one calling the shots regarding the dissolution of our marriage - closure must come without knowing what he was thinking. All I have to work with is what I am thinking, and there have been thousands of thoughts, emotions, and memories to sort through.

Ah, here, this scrap of anguish over not being kind enough, and this bite of rejection from being much too demanding, this slimy tidbit of hope that we would eventually understand each other - all of it must be pried form a heart that is scorched and scarred. Blackened bits of memories of when we worked; glowing embers of self-hate still being fueled by breath that whispers "you let him take so much, how could you ignore the glaring signs that he would ultimately hurt you beyond imagination?"

Everyday is a step away from the flames and being passive and being so used to being unheard that I had long stopped saying anything mattered.

Someday, in the bathroom mirror of the home I own by myself, my reflection will square her shoulders and stand up straight and say the words "I respect you for giving your marriage every opportunity to survive. You left no stone unturned, you forgave, forgot, moved on, and remained faithful and loyal. You will never have to wonder 'what if I had only tried more?'".

Filing the paper will be like stepping off the curb to cross the street. I've been walking from the wreckage of "our" life, stepping through the threshold of our family home, closing the door, crossing the lawn ... in the early days gaining very little distance per day and looking back over and over, but lately picking up speed. Each sidewalk square holds a memory or old wish that must be traveled through. "Goodbye" things I thought we enjoyed doing together, "goodbye" extended family, "goodbye" private jokes. Each of our future plans must be sifted through to see which ones are still hopes for my future. Saying goodbye to a genetic sibling of Toren has not been easy. I don't have Toren here and I won't even get someone that looks like him. There will be no individually loved model to even give me a glimpse of what he would have looked like as he aged; no soft, blond, curly hair to stroke and smell to fill, even if only for a minute, some part of the hole that misses him so much.

Across the street my car is packed and the engine is running. The deadbaby mama mobile is sleek and fast and has no room for unwanted passengers. It's within sight, just there across the street, my car is packed with only what I want to keep, waiting for a driver with a new license stating her new name, waiting for someone to steer.

Rejoice!

2010-02-03T18:43:00.003-05:00

The problem is I am way too tired and frustrated with the antidepressant bull. I spoke with my boss after she had a glass of champagne and have been given Friday and next Wednesday (my birthday) off work to make up for all of the overtime I've had in January :D

Not quite so grumpy anymore I took a second look at my sisters adoption e-mail and my new nephew is the cutest little bugger! Not joking. I can't wait for him to get home to his parents and then I can't wait to meet him!

Cross your fingers that all goes well and that he can be with his parents as soon as possible (as in closer to 3 months from now vs 6+)!

A bad mood explained in 9 easy steps - updated

2010-02-03T12:17:00.003-05:00

A daily science technology e-mail I receive always includes a quote at the bottom. Today's quote is

"Don't be yourself -- be someone a little nicer"
- Mignon McLaughlin

So far I'm not doing so well at this. How about you all?

1. Let it be known that my meds are being tweaked with again (super lame ass, expensive, frustrating long story) so I am depressed, depressed, depressed. And exhausted from work.

2. I'm reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and it is a very difficult read. It's so sad to recognize that the way the ex and I interacted during our marriage was crap. I feel beaten up and so frustrated that in all probability he will never see that I was an individual and not just an extension of himself. Ow ow ow ow

3. Had a talking to from the snuggle bunny on things that I could do better in our relationship, and he's completely right and I can totally do this, but I'm overwhelmed because I'm already dealing with lingering relationship issues from my ending marriage. A serious relationship found me sooner than I was ready. I was hoping to sleep around much more before settling down again, one, because it sounds fun and two, because it's a struggle to maintain a serious relationship while processing a divorce, being a landlord, taking care of my cats and house, and taking care of myself.

4. On Mondays, normally I'm at a certain bar enjoying company and dinner while the snuggle bunny broadcasts his radio show live from there. This past Monday was a fund-raising benefit for a local bartender who's apartment burned down and she lost everything. Very sad and something I would normally support, but all of the notices regarding her troubles included that she was pregnant. Instead of being "a little nicer" I stayed home because I knew there would be so much ooowing and awwing over her pregnancy and I can't be around that right now. How is it possible that over two years later I still have issues with this?

5. My 35th birthday is in a week. This is the big one. This is the age that my mother and maternal grandmother entered premature ovarian failure. And lets take a look at my track record regarding reproduction - oh yeah, it is dismal and heartbreaking. And how is trying for a subsequent baby going? Oh right, my husband bailed (tho this is a good thing overall) and I'm back on birth control.

6. My sister and her husband announced today that they have found the little boy they will adopt. He is Korean and ADORABLE! I am so very happy for them and they truly deserve this. But for some reason I thought they would be adopting a girl. So I got the "It's a boy" announcement. And for another example of not being "a little nicer" I wonder, why does everyone around me get baby boys? Why not some little girls so that I'm not watching the growth of other boys and aching to see my own lost son to grow up?

7. Last nights dream involved the option to move to Spain for super career opportunities, however what about my snuggle bunny? In waking hours I'm thinking more about donor sperm and single motherhood - what about my snuggle bunny?

8. 30 minutes ago, in a continuation of last nights relationship talk and because I'm now an emotional wreck, I called to tell SB that I needed a break. Knowing that something "serious" was ahead he spoke first and told me that he loved me. I still told him that I needed a break.

9. I'm waiting for a call back from my Ob/gyn office to see if I can get the AMH test. Even though the results are difficult to determine in regards to actual ovarian reserve my impression is that the test results can tell you if you are in deep shit right now.

It's too much. Thankfully I'm becoming numb.

UPDATE
The wise Ya Chun has spoken and I agree - that is a lame quote. I've been plenty nice for many years; tons of forgiving, tons of glossing over, tons of covering other people's asses. Maybe in a few years I'll come around and try to be nice like Sara :)

One, two, buckle my shoe

2010-01-30T22:00:00.000-05:00

strength

The Steadfast Warrior has started a project called The Friday Photo Challenge. The first topic is "Strength".

Work has been all consuming for the last few weeks but I was really looking forward to finding and taking of picture of something that made me think of strength, so I'm a day late but I'd still like to give some thought to "Strength".

Yep, that's a photo of me and a pair of shoes. Honestly I'm not sure if I can find words to explain how this makes any sense but here goes nothing...

************

In my second post ever I talked about how I didn't like being called strong.

"Friends have called me "strong"; my psychiatrist called me "resilient". Instead of feeling complimented, I feel offended. I don't feel strong, I am not exhibiting behaviors of a strong person. By saying "strong" and "resilient" it feels like people are telling me "you're doing great, keep up the good work"."

During the first year after Toren died I barely made it through many days. During the first 9 months or so I cried everywhere. At work I cried at my desk and spent hours on the forum for A Heartbreaking Choice instead of doing actual work. Nighttime's were spent drinking, smoking, and numbing. It wasn't like living, if that makes any sense. I didn't make any tangible progress in "normal" life.

That year culminated with my husband deserting me and my being involuntarily admitted to a mental hospital after a suicide attempt. Yeah, real strong.

The first 9 months of year 2 were spent in relative isolation. I went to work and went home and rarely saw any friends. Things thankfully improved last summer.

But the point is that I felt so weak and felt like this level of dysfunction and depression meant that I was just one huge fuck up. However, in hindsight the "strength" part makes sense... but maybe not exactly in the way that people throwing around the term "strong", just because they see you dressed and out of the house, had in mind.

What does it mean to be strong after your baby dies? Is it getting out of bed everyday, going to work, paying some bills, buying groceries, smiling when it's socially appropriate, saying that you are "fine" or "good" instead of saying that you don't know if you can make it through another night alone in your empty house? Those saying I was "strong" didn't know that I bought dinosaur pajamas for Toren months after he died and they didn't know that I would drape the jammies along my left forearm, in the place they would have been so that Toren's head would have rested on my left bicep as it did when I rocked his body in the hospital, and that I rocked the pajamas to sleep. It's like you are called strong for keeping the trips to the cemetery, the memory box, the MEMORIES, the ruined hopes and plans to yourself.

Sitting here now, two years, two months, three weeks, and on day later I think I have been strong. Facing your grief head on is being strong. Struggling, crying, screaming through every day while your soul learns how to live without your child is strength. Not believing those who insist that you did not suffer a real loss since you never even "got to know" your child - loving your child who was very sick or suffered a fatal accident before or at birth or just died for unknown reasons - cherishing those too malformed to survive is courageous.

****************

I've always wanted to be taller.

I used to wear platforms and heals almost exclusively - so much so that other people would be taken aback when I wore flat shoes, making me 3 inches shorter then I normally appeared. I used to dance; defying gravity was never a concern. Even while I was pregnant I wore tall shoes, but thought as my center of balance altered with a growing belly some flat shoes would be a good idea. Toren never got big enough for flat shoes. It wasn't until after Toren died that I lost my balance.

For over 2 years I have primarily worn Merrell's or Dansko's. Comfortable, sensible, close to the ground, day after day.

I'm scared of heals. Ease of movement has been replaced by wobbles and clumps. Pretty, healed shoes are showy and don't fit well with being invisible. All of these thoughts made me realize, I mean really realize, that I'm not friends with my body. This body grew a "bad" baby and I'm not sure that can ever be forgiven.

**************

So this week strength is seeing beautiful shoes and beginning to practice living beyond barely surviving.

Things that aren't really real

2010-01-26T22:20:00.003-05:00

I had this dream two nights ago that I miscarried - I'm not pregnant! - and I was so sad and woke up dwelling on gravida 3 para 0. Which isn't true. I'm still G2P0

This morning I woke up thinking about Toren's birth. Over two years after that day and the memories of that time are still so near. I remember him all curled up and wet. I wish I could touch him again. I wish I could hold his little, still body again.

How is it possible to want him so much even after all this time?

........

I'm still productive at work. Still spending time with the snuggle bunny. Still being kind to people and helpful. Still looking forward to a finalized divorce. Still wondering if my attention span and memory capacity prior to dead Toren will ever return. And Toren is still, still. He is still utterly, physically, absent. He is still thought of with love every day.

.........

Dreams and memories make the longing for a baby so prevalent. But what's real is that it's too soon to bring up the baby making topic with the snuggle bunny. What's real is that I'm getting by financially, but just barely. What's real is I still drive a sports car with no back seat for a baby car seat. There is no room for a baby.

I'm getting good at living in the present and accepting that I may never birth a live baby. It's good to be happy again. But I miss having realistic hope that I'll have a child; the dreams and memories are harsh reminders of what I want but am in no position to try for.

2010-01-12T13:31:00.003-05:00

How the meeting with the guy I'm divorcing went in rank order of how badly the statements hurt.

1. When he talked about when he decided to leave - It was a premeditated decision about our marriage that he made without consulting me. I think the date was November 9, 2008 when during a conversation he was in someone said that, in a relationship, if the bad times outnumber the good times the relationship should end. On the 16th he told me we were "incompatible" and that was the beginning of the end. I actually thought he was planning this for much longer than a week so some of the pain has faded. He never mentioned that he was had decided to divorce; he never gave the option for discussing it.

2. His decision to leave wasn't because of anything I did - So the separation sucker punch wasn't because he was so angry at me that he meant to deliver extra hurt; he just didn't consider me important enough to let me in on his plans of completely changing his life. Like I didn't exist. Like I was merely an outworn accessory to his life - an annoying aspect of himself that he was ready to cut away.

That's what it feels like on my end anyway.

His explanation was that he needed to be happy and apparently "happy" had to be sought elsewhere. It had been an amazingly difficult year with Toren dying and the ex being laid off several months later. It was hell.

He needed to be happy.

NEEDED TO BE HAPPY

I needed to be happy too. He got happier, I got unhappier. He escaped hell by pushing me deeper in. But who cares as long as he got what he wanted when he wanted it.

I didn't do anything wrong... except "be".

3. He said he still wants a family - ow ow ow ow

..................................

It was a collision of emotions.
fear
dread
eager anticipation of soul soothing answers
compassion
relief that he's doing well
caring for him (yes I gave him $)
annoyance
anger
But mostly the sense of rejection that quietly, constantly courses through my veins was brought to the surface. Choking rejection.

..................................

All of these emotions linger for a marriage and someone I don't want anymore. I don't want to be back with him, but I don't want to be the invisible person who is so easy to leave. I don't want to always remember that I mattered so little to someone who claimed to love me.

Overall, the meeting went really well and although it stirred up bad memories and did not provide a sense of completion I know that closure is coming - it's just something I will work towards alone.

Also, I finally can imagine the sense of freedom that a completed divorce will provide.

Also, as you all know, I'm not in hell anymore. I recovered.

2010-01-10T14:12:00.003-05:00

Thought # 1 while driving from the meeting with the guy I'm divorcing.

"He's mine"

The ex is just now starting to deal with Toren's death - he even referred to the baby by his name repeatedly, "Toren". At the time the ex left he did not mention the baby, he didn't want to hear about it, and he certainly didn't say his name.

As requested, I gave him directions to the cemetery and the plot and the place where I keep Toren's things in the communal grave for the ashes of babies. And I told him that I still have the memory box and CD of photos that he can see if he wants to.

Now I'm uncomfortable with the ex visiting Toren's grave. The ex "abandoned" us, he ignored the memory of his son. I feel like he is just MY BABY by now. I don't want to share Toren with his father, even though Toren is only a soul, memory, and ashes.

Weird.

It's just a house

2010-01-06T19:35:00.003-05:00

I think I'm the last person still at work on this floor.

Sometimes it's wonderful to be able to stay late to get more work done and I do enjoy being able to stay with the snuggle bunny as often as I want. Maybe I'm just too tired tonight, maybe it was last nights dream where I was pregnant with a son, but I am so sad not to have a reason to go home.

The baby died, the husband left, and the home turned into a house.

Tonight I'm sad. Toren died over two years ago and sometimes, like tonight, I ache to go home to him. I wish he needed me to parent him.

Goals for 2010

2009-12-31T11:54:00.006-05:00

Totally intend to do
1. Get divorced and change name. Paperwork for both will be filed in January (funds allowing).

2. Pay all bills on time FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR.

3. Replace all bathroom towels, kitchen towels, and cloth napkins.

4. Lose deadbaby weight.

5. Raise a bunch of money for the March of Dimes. Everyone I know is broke but I'm going to set my goal anyway and just do my best and won't get upset if I can't raise that much.

Will try to do
1. Establish regular meditation and yoga practice.

2. Repaint bedroom (need ideas!), replace blinds with curtains, sew new bedding (Sara, and other creative folks, do you know of any nice bedding patterns?).

My goals for the year are boring, serious ones but that's ok because I finally feel up to doing these things.

What are your goals? Any fun ones? I want to try a MckLinky thing (crossing fingers that I did this right), feel free to play along (please don't leave me with an empty MckLinky!)

.......

Regarding the wish for password protected posting, I have set up a cleverly named (ha!) sister blog on wordpress to host relationship issues that I wouldn't want someone I know in real life to read if they stumbled across this blog. The first post is up now. I guess you will have to request a password, but I'll keep it the same so requests won't have to be made every time.

I have no idea how often that blog will be used or how long it will stay around. Don't feel like you have to read it, although some input would be nice since I don't seem to be particularly gifted when it comes to relationships. Just writing out my current concern has helped so much.

Wishing you all a very happy and healing New Year.

I'll be everything I'm not

2009-12-29T21:36:00.004-05:00

It is very sad that our marriage couldn't help but be as it was. We were both so young and we both came from unpredictable/unsafe households. Neither of us had developed a healthy sense of self yet. Neither one of us could possibly be what each other needed.

Such a long friendship and long, so often unsatisfying, marriage ended so suddenly, irrecoverably, and SILENTLY.

Early in January the ex and I will meet so he can provide an explanation for why he left the relationship so suddenly, without giving an excuse beyond our "incompatibility". Finally some answers are on the horizon.

It's a little nerve-racking. I don't know what he is going to say. My therapist and I are going to prepare for the worst.

The worst case scenario is that this will be his opportunity to vent over a decades worth of frustration with me. And I kind of deserve it; there were countless times when I was a lousy wife - too emotional, too erratic, too depressed. I hate to think back on the "married me", I hate that she existed. My entire existence and personality were limited to reacting to being subtly neglected, demeaned, manipulated, and betrayed. That's all he knows of me.

.....

You know, I'm not one to look for a fucking silver lining but Toren's death was a catalyst, which looks like such a stupid statement written here because how can anybody not crawl out of the hell that is losing a child without becoming a new being? What I mean is that our marriage was not strong enough to survive Toren's death and who knows how long that union would have limped along without that extreme stress. Who knows if it ever would have morphed into the type of relationship I craved had Toren lived.

I want Toren just as always, but I want my marriage less and less the further I get from it. Both losses are simultaneously intertwined and completely distinct. While I will yearn for Toren forever I don't want the circumstances he would've/could've/should've been born into.

It all feels so raw right now.

.....

Chrysalis. In the 13 months since we stopped being a couple I have turned into someone different. Deadbaby, impending divorce, tons of therapy, psychiatric medications, making my own decisions, and thinking, thinking, thinking and I'm no longer "married me". Developing confidence and independent thinking co-exist with the vulnerability of knowing that a whole closet full of shoes can drop on you at any time.

He'll never know who I've turned into.

.....

This song is helping me process what I feel about meeting the ex. I want to be ready to be forever misunderstood by him without becoming overwhelmed with regret, shame, and negative emotions.

Lightning Field by the Sneaker Pimps

Sweet video with a short portion of the song

Full version, live, with Chris Corner perfectly adorable and drool worthy

Strike me down
Give me everything you've got
Strike me down
I'll be everything I'm not
Count the questions on one hand
You don't ask me what I planned
Strike me down
Should have asked me what went wrong
Strike me down
Should have stayed away too long

Strike me down
Give it everything you've got
Chance me now
I'll be everything I'm not
Hope's the child of what luck brings
Points to faith in higher things
Ask me now
Fire at everything at once
Strike me down
Take it any way you want

Strike me down
Better left it all unknown
Strike me down
Should have left it all alone
Wash the questions off my hands
I'm the fate in no one's plans
Strike me down
Give it everything you've got
Strike me down
I'll be everything I'm not

2009-12-28T16:49:00.003-05:00

Why can't things be gloriously calm and good for a significant amount of time?

Still thankful that I'm no longer overcome by grief but I guess I felt like I was owed something wonderful - it's still a shock that there are annoying thorns on the roses, you know?

Edit
I'm thinking of moving to wordpress so I can set some posts as password protected, does anyone know how to move all of my previous posts over?

Easy as 1, 2, 3

2009-12-19T12:23:00.003-05:00

1
The next series of check boxes started with the option "The Defendant and I do not have any minor children together." and while making a bold black "X" in that box the thought "Thank God!" zipped through my head. Followed by a twinge of guilt.

The absence of children simplifies a divorce but of course it isn't as simple as that. The myriad of feelings associated with Toren's death does not include thankfulness. But the feelings about divorce do include thankfulness that I will not be connected to the ex for the rest of my life through our children. I wonder if this is an emotionally complicated section of the paperwork for many couples.

If there was a minor child would this divorce be looming? I suspect not, but being able to view our marriage from a distance allows me to see all of the problems that were there all along. I miss the family that could have been while also being thankful to be in a healthier situation.

2
I'm including what I wrote for the blog cross-pollination here so that it will be included in my record of life post Toren and because I have a few other things to say about it. By the way, I loved participating in the cross-pollination and am honored to have swapped posts with Mrs. Spit and it's so fitting that she used gardening as a metaphor for grief since this is "A garden for butterflies".

My post

It’s true what some people say, that when you lay your eyes on your child for the first time you love them with your entire being. The first glimpse of my son was in the form of double pink lines on a home pregnancy test. Later I heard his amazing heartbeat and viewed his cute, little fetal self via ultrasound. When I held him for the first time a huge wave of calm and wonderment encompassed me; my heart burst open with warmth and pure love for him.

That was the first time I truly felt love. Relationships with parents, spouses, and friends can become so complicated; that short time resting in the hospital bed was an oasis of peace and love existing in a complicated story. During the next several hours he was held, named, and blessed.

After your baby’s body has been taken away to chill in the morgue those feelings of love get rather hard to reproduce, at least in my experience.

.....

I am an expert on anger.

I am an expert on jealousy.

I am an expert on sleepless nights where the dead baby keeps me up.

I’m an expert on despising love because its absence leads to so many ugly emotions.

I know all about gender differences in grieving styles and how a dead baby can strain a marriage. Subsequently, I am an expert on dining alone, maintaining a house alone, and longing for the family that is no longer possible. Soon I will have first hand experience of divorce.

I now know more about the numerous ways that a embryo, fetus, or infant can die than I know about what items parents need to carry in baby bags.

I’m an expert on being stricken speechless in response to thoughtless remarks.

“You’re young, you can have another.”

“That baby just wasn’t meant to be.”

“You named it???!!!”

“I thought you would be over it by now.”

“If my child died I would die as well.”

“Was there really nothing medically that could be done to make him live?”

.....

No one wants to become so familiar those feelings. Since he died two years ago I have been drowning in currents of loss. Having spent two years mastering negative emotions, what next?

.....

I want to be an expert on love. Friend-love… parent-love… stranger-love… ex-spouse love… new lover love… kitty and puppy love… self-love.

I want to someday feel the all-consuming, uncomplicated love I felt while holding my son again. I will learn to miss my son, rage against the randomness of birth defects, sneer when mentioning the ex, tense up around pregnant women, WHILE loving.

Beginning today, everyday I will practice love.

.....

What are you an expert of?

What would you like to be an expert of?

...........

To practice/express love everyday was a vow and that is what I'm doing. Now this is only possible because negative feelings and positive emotions can COEXIST. Understanding that love and joy and peace can be present along with sorrow and anger was a huge breakthrough for me. While healing and reforming my life and self into something new the clash of conflicting emotions was very confusing. Sometimes I desperately miss my old, almost-was family (and I may ALWAYS miss that), but I just acknowledge those feelings and then soon the emotions naturally and easily morph into relief that the acute phase of grieving is in the past.

3
The present - how my life actually IS right now - is very happy.

On December 2, 2008 I wrote "So this blog is not about rebuilding a marriage and successfully having a child after a deadbaby anymore. If anything, it will be about finding something to do in life once the life you carefully planned is no longer a possibility."

Letting go of a plan/dream is hard and I thought old dreams could only be replaced by new dreams but my old dreams have been followed by no long term life plans at all! Living in the present - enjoying the company of my housemates, and time spent with the snuggle bunny and friends - and not getting stuck in the past or worrying about the future all seems so obvious, but it sure took a long time to integrate.

Guest blogger, brought to you by the Great Blog Cross Pollination

2009-12-09T07:00:00.000-05:00

Grief , it strikes me, is a lot like buying a house in the winter, never seeing the back yard.

You don’t chose what’s there when you arrive, but you get to make all the choices after that. I stood in my present back yard 5 years ago, looking at 2 feet of dog crap, the world’s ugliest deck and an overgrown lilac(?) tree and threw up my hands. This was going to be an oasis? Not on your life, not without a firebomb to help me start over.

At first we walk out into this back yard that we have inherited, and it is a strange and foreign place. The placement of the shrubs, the ugly old iris clumps? They make us angry. We are frustrated, kicking the crappy looking grass, thinking “What stupid kind of idiot would put that there?”.

Usually, even in the most overgrown, ugly, unmanageable back yard, there’s something to catch your eye. An old-fashioned rose, a sunny daffodil, a tiny little johnny jump up. Something to make you feel the slightest bit, well nurturing. And the nurturing is a problem, after all ,that way hurting lies. That way leads to a hole filled with unrequited dreams. You pause, wondering if you want to put the time in at all, fighting against an almost primeval urge to create. Creation is the start of death, and you’ve had enough of that.

But, sighing, almost angrily, you dig around prune back and uncover. You sit back on your haunches, and stretch out your back, lifting your hands to the sky. Muscles seldom used protest, and you look at your hands covered in dirt and a few scratches from the brambles, and you don’t recognize them. You look around at the rest of the garden, and you chuck the hoe at the garage and stump back into the kitchen, returning to familiar piles of mess. At least that’s your mess.

The next morning you wake up, stiff and sore, and even though you swear that you are done with fostering this stupid business of growing life, the next plant in the jungle beckons you, and you go at that. Slowly, very slowly, you find that the living business of a garden has snuck up on you, and you feel responsible. You weed and water, and research. If you get very lucky, someone more practiced at this business of restoration shows up one Saturday with their gardening tools, and they help you go at it, providing succour and sustenance.

And then, something dies, in spite of all your efforts, when you bought the book and read on the internet, and you talked to the experts. You back away for a bit. You find yourself hopeless for a while, what would ever make you think you were any good at this life giving business anyway? For a few weeks, you ignore July’s heat and the lack of rain and you, well, you pout. You are, after all entitled to the pouting, no one could call you unreasonable for expecting something you had put all this damn effort and time into, to live.

The garden keeps calling, and you rush back in, and you find a few more things dead, but many more things still living, and that’s about the time you taste the first peas on the vine, smell the lilies coming up. Sucked in a bit deeper.

You make bigger plans, you dig up dirt, you re-seed the grass, hell, you go all out and you buy furniture, and you spend a breath-taking amount on a plant that will survive the cold season. You carefully dig the hole, you sprinkle in bone meal and rhizomes and you water very well, sending hopes and dreams into the ground.

There always comes a time in the middle of August, when it seems as if the summer will last forever, these long days will never end, and every night you have your coffee and a cigarette on the new furniture, the smell of garden heavy in your hair. You begin to think that you will always be in this place.

One morning you wake up, and the garden smells different. The smells are sharper, snappier, crisp and clear. You realize you do not know how to prepare the garden for this new season, and so you cut everything down, not realizing you should leave some stalks up so that you can see them heavy with snow. You don’t know to always leave a little something behind for the next season.

Fall slips past and then the snow flies, and you are not sure how to navigate this, it seems like another loss. As surely as you didn’t ask for the garden in the first place, you aren’t ok with it being taken away from you either.

This, this is the secret of gardening, that nothing stays the same. One thing becomes another, and then something else after that. Nothing is still except in our memory.

This guest blogger lives and gardens in Alberta, Canada, where her garden is under several feet of snow. Can you guess who it is? Her identity and my cross pollination post can be found here.

See all cross pollination participants here

This is a nice post :)

2009-11-17T22:11:00.003-05:00

My local SHARE group is having it's annual candle lighting and tree decorating ceremony. Each of us brings an ornament to decorate a tree that is then donated to a local hospital in remembrance of our babies. It's a really nice night.

So this morning when the snuggle bunny says that he wants me to come back after work and stay another night at his place, I tell him that I need to find an ornament for the meeting. He said that he would help me find one and this evening we went ornament shopping. I had a few ideas of what I was looking for, one of which was a cute ornament that a little boy would be attracted to. Surrounded by ornaments, SB suggests that we find something that Toren would like. HE SAID HIS NAME! SB remembered and used the name of my son! Wow.

My ex, Toren's father, never would have helped me find an ornament and he only said his name one time, that I can remember (when calling the hospital to get Toren's measurements when I was crying over not having found out how big he was).

Anyway, I selected a dinosaur ornament. And I bought two of them and explained to SB that last year I only bought one ornament and once it came down to placing it on the tree I couldn't do it! I need one to share and one to hoard for my son's memory box.

It's so sweet and so complex. I am so lucky to be spending time with such an awesome and thoughtful guy. But why couldn't my husband show some concern for how much I loved our son? Why didn't he love us?

Someday those painful thoughts will not cross my mind and I will simply marvel at displays of kindness.

..................

On another, bitter, note, I have some gossip that is so shameful that I can't tell anyone that I personally know. Anyone need a distraction and want to hear about the "adventures" of people you don't know?

Getting here

2009-11-15T23:56:00.000-05:00

For the last week and a half I've been watching my body heal from an unfortunate moment of unbalance that ended with me sprawled on the asphalt.

Healing is not pretty. Exposed, weeping wounds become covered with crusty scabs which protect those tender areas as new skin grows. Over the days bruises dawn and darken and turn sickly colors before fading away. Joints at points of impact stiffen and now I gently try to coax a normal range of movement out of my knee and hand.

Besides keeping the sores clean and preventing infection or further damage, there's not much you can do to speed the process along; healing takes as long as it takes.

.......................

Over the past two years since Toren died did I do enough to prevent "infection"? Did all of that alcohol work as an internal disinfectant? Did my brain shutting off and the mental numbing and the dissociation give my soul space to heal, free of external stimuli?

Could I have healed faster? Could I have done anything other than shut down and sit with my grief? Surging forward, determined to succeed and excel would have only been a lie and may not have led towards actual healing.

.......................

One year ago today I was preparing to kill myself. On the 16th I would end up in the ER, drunk and having swallowed every pill in the medicine cabinet. From there I would be transferred to a psychiatric inpatient hospital in the back of a sheriff's car. My journal entries from those days are very difficult for even me to read now as they document the shift from feeling desperately lonely, utterly hopeless and completely heartbroken to being at complete peace with not having another moment of this life.

Day after day, page after page of last Autumn, over and over I wrote about how lonely I was. When my husband said he didn't want to be with me anymore I was sure that I would never find another partner who would put up with me. If the person who knew me best couldn't stand to be around me what hope could I have for the future?

........................

Today my home is filled with 3 women, 2 cats, and one dog. I'm here half of the time, the other half is spent with a guy who likes having me around. Today I slept in late and had breakfast made by the snuggle bunny. We showered, went back to bed, went for a walk, went out for lunch, went back to bed, and all day we laughed. Back at home this evening, housemate L.'s laughter bounces off the walls through the house as she laughs at a TV program. Housemate C. laughs at her cute dog. My house is full of life and animals; the driveway is full of cars. Tomorrow night I'll be back with the snuggle bunny for a night out and then peace and quiet at his place. Tuesday night, who knows!

.......................

I've had little to say about the second anniversary of Toren's birthday/death day, but I've been doing a lot of thinking. The day of his second anniversary was lovely and I want to tell you about it soon, but already it's taken so long for me to write this much. It's really incredible... in the months up until October 30, 2007 I was joyous and expectant, last year, completely destroyed, and lately, I'm still living with the sorrow of being without Toren but I smile everyday. How do you find words for this sort of journey?

Ah hell, what kind of post is this?

2009-10-30T17:41:00.004-04:00

October 30

It's been two years since... what exactly?

since I last had faith that things would work out well

since my heart didn't constantly ache

since I was maternal

since I felt my family was proud of me

since I felt that the future would be gorgeous

and those don't adequately describe it

................

What was I doing two years ago? Was it a great day? Was it a happy day?

...............

It's been two years since I wasn't taking a single antidepressant

since I was happily sober

since I was happy to be living my life, with my own baby on the way, with my own husband - three unique souls together

since I believed that I would fall into the majority side of a very important statistic

since I didn't know the words "bilateral renal agenesis"

..............

I had been bleeding for weeks and frequent check-ups always turned out great - the baby had a strong heartbeat so everything was presumed to be fine. None of us knew that his heartbeat was contained in increasingly cramped quarters. So many people told me that some women bleed through an entire pregnancy and they have healthy babies. Over and over women have healthy babies. Everyone believed I would be one of those women. I was cautious but at 18 weeks and 4 days, after hearing that heartbeat so often, I thought it was just about safe to seriously argue about names and sign up for birthing classes and prepare his room.

Two years ago I believed that in just one more day, after the anatomy ultrasound, I would breathe a sigh of relief. Surely I had already had my big scare on the day so much blood came rushing out of me weeks before.

..............

Two years ago today I believed that in two days I would be showing off new ultrasound images of my little boy; I would be e-mailing the pictures to all of the would-be grandparents, aunts, and uncles.

Two years ago I believed that my family was growing. I believed that I would never be on birth control again because siblings would be very welcome before premature ovarian failure hit.

.............

Two years ago today I never ever EVER would have guessed that that my husband would be GONE... that I wouldn't be balancing family life and work... that the baby's room would be rented out... that I simply wouldn't give a fuck about credit scores, mowed lawns, my career, basic car maintenance, home cooked meals... that it would be so easy to sleep with other men. Two years ago today I'd be shocked at the amount of alcohol I can now consume without getting sick.

Two years ago today I wasn't bitter, jealous, or consumed by anger; I didn't rage against being a member of the unlucky.

Two years ago today Halloween was my favorite holiday. I loved the parties and giving out candy to children.

Two years ago today I had more friends.

...............

ONE year ago today I believed that I was going to make a big comeback very soon, in fact I was secretly sure that I would have a new baby or be very close to birthing by today. I had hope.

............

Today... I have a bottle of wine which I will drink without judgment since excess drinking doesn't happen all that often anymore. I don't have hope for beauty in my life but perhaps I don't need it anymore. I sometimes get out of bed because I'm excited for the day instead of just because that is what is expected of me.

Today I hope that by this time next year Toren and I will have a revised relationship that allows for more love and less agony in my life on Earth. Today I still secretly hope for a family or at least something good enough to replace that craving.

...............

This post sucks, but it's important.

Just sayin'

2009-10-22T16:49:00.002-04:00

The breakup of a long term relationship is HARD. Wow is there ever a huge collision of conflicting emotions involved! No wonder my head is spinning so much of the time.

That's all for now - too dizzy.

Stalling to "submit"

2009-10-20T17:16:00.004-04:00

I've made my health insurance selections for next year, except for clicking the "submit" button to make it official. I'm just ordering insurance for one, just me. I get to select whatever plan I want and don't need to discuss the pros and cons of each plan with anyone, and this freedom makes my head spin and my stomach ache. Perhaps tomorrow I can submit to a solo insurance plan.

Papers have not been filed yet but I plan on getting divorced soon and today that thought squeezes my chest. I miss him. Just right now. And I feel guilty for missing him because I have found another great guy, and I feel guilty for being so happy with the great guy because I cared for my husband so much it seems impossible that I could move on from that.

Today something happened that upset me and my husband knows exactly what to do in situations like that but the new guy totally bombed in offering support.

.......................

It's just been one of those weeks (already!) where I can't seem to do anything right. Although, just when I was SURE that I had just skipped my first period, signaling premature ovarian failure, today it arrived in full force, lured to the white panties I'm wearing. The now stained, soggy and sticky panties.

Anyway, that's good news. To kill time while waiting for my period I P'dOAS twice. Fuck if that action isn't exploding with emotions.

Last Friday I added new medications to my antidepressant cocktail. Sunday I'll add in hormonal contraception.

The calendar is ticking down to October 31 and I feel like I'm going to scream as people chatter on about costumes and parties. I can still feel being in room after room getting ultrasound after ultrasound, watching my son moving, seeing that he was alive with a strong heartbeat, while at the same time hearing about the organs he didn't have - kidneys, both missing... stomach ... bladder... all absent.

Anything that pretends to be scary repels me. Forget stupid, gory costumes, houses of horror and scary movies - the sequence of events at that ob visit were truly terrifying, true horror. Part of me is still stuck feeling overwhelmed by sorrow, fear, and rage at having to make the decision of when my son would die... I see no sense in feeling terrified by fake dead bodies and such.

I need to move to a smaller, windowless office at work to make room for new faculty. I'm trying to be accommodating and gracious about it but really I feel embarrassed, like I wasn't doing a good enough job to stay in my office, even though I know it just has to do with educational seniority.

And my car smells like it has a fuel leak. And my bank account is overdrawn.

.......................

With all of those worries and hormones and new medications and memories it's no wonder I feel "off". It's time to be good to me and take care of me. And it's time to go home and change out of these icky underpants.

Love to you all, thanks for listening to my whining.

2009-10-14T20:17:00.003-04:00

I have diligently tried for two years to drown the memories of the life I almost had in a sea of alcohol - unfortunately my tolerance for booze has become too high for these thoughts to be swept away... so grab another glass of wine and a huge bowl of ice cream and let's stroll down memory lane!

In the handful of days before entering the hospital to terminate Toren's pregnancy I did a lot of reading and learned that a fetus at a mere 20 week gestational age can be born alive. They don't stay that way for very long though. Toren died before he was delivered. I knew he wouldn't live no matter what gestational age he made it to and it was both a relief along with huge a disappointment that I never got to see him alive outside of me (I wanted desperately for him to die with me rather than with nurses tending to him so I did get this wish). At the 6 week follow-up visit with my doctor I asked her why he wasn't born alive and learned that with delicate fetuses who are not cushioned by amniotic fluid the force of the contractions often kills them. My uterus crushed Toren to death.

Another confession - I like to watch the show "I didn't know I was pregnant". Doesn't that sound ideal?! No known pregnancy to worry through and everyone on the show ends up with healthy take-home babies! Unlike the women on the show who recognize no signs of pregnancy I have frequent pregnancy symptoms, despite the absence of sexual encounters (until recently) and the baby. I have pregnancy daydreams. Almost two years after Toren and I DAYDREAM about being pregnant. Why not daydream about fantastic vacations to Greece or discovering a major cause of bilateral renal agenesis? Or why not at least daydream about paying all of my bills on time every month or being caught up on laundry?

What next? I am still suicidal every so often, like earlier tonight, and I think I have figured out a major contributor... add PMS to the list of self-diagnosed health issues! (Also on the list are PTSD and a sprained toe) Before August when my housemates moved in and I met the snugglebunny I was depressed 24-7; during the last couple of months I have been truly happy at times, but then around a week before my period I become so "moody" (as in amazingly depressed, suicidal, and out of my mind crazy). I'm afraid I will drive this awesome guy away by being insane and that makes me very, very sad to think about. I'm really trying to hold it together and I take my meds everyday and see my therapist once a week but I still can't quite make it to "normal".

And back to the start - at least I think Toren was dead when he was born. He and I were alone and I didn't quite know what had just happened due to the sedation I'd been on all week, pain medication for labor pains in the form of morphine which it turns out I'm allergic to so benadryl was added into the mix too. Gravity took over and it seriously took a few moments for me to figure out what I was looking at. He was all curled up and just when I was starting to stroke him with a finger a nurse leaned over me, cut the cord and swept him away.

................

I have confessed my way to sober. Good night.

Numb...

2009-10-13T22:13:00.004-04:00

... and I just wanted to numb out more with a bottle of wine and, before bed, a sleeping pill.

The no alcohol thing didn't last too long but I have cut back...truly.

Earlier today at my annual "female" doctor's visit I was getting my finger pricked for the blood iron test and suddenly a loud cheering came from down the hall. I looked at the technician and she said someone just found out what they were having - as in a boy or a girl baby. I said they must be happy with what they are getting.

Although maybe they would have had that response no matter the gender since if the gender is the major finding of the anatomy ultrasound you are doing pretty good so far. Not like one of those ultrasounds that start out with excitement from the parents and silence from the ultrasound technician.

"Oh, there he is all curled up at the bottom."

Without amniotic fluid present I couldn't see a baby at all, but it wasn't until later that I realized that this was a very bad thing. It wasn't just about not being able to see him clearly, it was deadly, but they don't tell you that right away.

...............

I like my doctor very much because she is so patient about answering my questions. The visit turned out well in the sense that all of my concerns were addressed. I am being tested for all STI's (because since the last exam I have had sex with a new partner and (last fall) my ex-husband, who was questionable in the faithfulness department), I have a prescription for the Nu.va Ri.ng (plus 4 samples, yay!), I will go in on day 3 of my cycle to get the FSH test to see if I am in premature ovarian failure PLUS my doctor ordered the anti mullerian hormone test to check on my ovarian reserve. I'm seeing if my insurance will cover the AMH test (it's normally part of infertility diagnostics, which are not normally covered, but I since I have a family history of premature ovarian failure my doctor and I are hoping that insurance will cover it as more of a preventive health thing) but if they don't I'll get it done anyway (if I can afford it out of pocket!) because I need some idea of how much longer I have to try for another baby.

..............

And I have gained less weight than I thought I did!

.............

I used the Nu.va Ri.ng for many years before quitting birth control and I'm glad to have a contraceptive that I'm familiar with. It has been about 2 and a half years since I last used a hormonal contraceptive so please cross your fingers that I adjust well to it and don't scare off my reason for using contraception! I'm glad I don't have to take an anti-baby pill everyday.

It truly is a wonderful thing that women are able to prevent pregnancy with a near 100% success rate, but the same cannot be said for conceiving. What will happen when circumstances are right for me? Will I still be fertile?

And it's not that I'm just complaining needlessly - since I'm not ttc I don't know if I have the ability to conceive anymore or not. I have a great deal of compassion for those with diagnosed infertility and hopefully my worrying about infertility that may or may not be present or near won't be upsetting. But I'm not in any position to have a baby. I know I could have unprotected sex right now in an attempt to conceive, but then what? I don't have a lot of money since my ex left me with the house and the bills that home ownership entails. I have two housemates now that probably wouldn't be too thrilled with a newborn entering the house. And most importantly, I like this guy I'm seeing and I wouldn't want to ruin what we have right now by getting pregnant. He is worth seeing how things develop between us without stressful complications or deceit on my part.

My mom and maternal grandmother each entered premature ovarian failure at age 35. I turn 35 in 4 months.

.............

After the doctors appointment I wandered around doing errands. I needed fancy salon shampoo, socks, a new bra, and after getting all of these things I still felt so unsatisfied. It was that feeling of knowing that regardless of whatever "treats" you bought yourself you would still want for more.

Empty. Numb. And only craving more removal from my thoughts through glasses of Merlot.

It isn't so surprising really.

It has been a good day. Really.

P.S. thank you Goddess for the great sex!

2009-10-07T10:56:00.003-04:00

"Have you held your own dead child? Has your husband left you? Have you lived through losing your immediate family?"

Sometimes I feel very judged by other people and that is what I want to say to them. Believe me, no one is more frustrated than me at my lack of stellar, or even adequate, performance.

I don't know where my energy went.

I can't find my mind.

My memory and concentration have been so poor for so long that I'm losing confidence in their eventual return.

Can I function like this for the rest of my life? Will this level of distraction and lethargy be enough for me to get by?

.................

It's one of those days where it's best to lay low and only attend meetings where I'm definitely needed.

Yesterday a crying baby was bounced and soothed and paced around the hall outside my office door. Today there are coupons for diapers, baby formula, and gym.bo.ree left on the breakroom table for anyone who needs them. And there are plenty of people around work with babies who will appreciate these thoughtful money savers.

You never see coupons for useful items for deadbaby mamas. Where were the coupons for cabbage leaves and sage tea to dry up milk that flowed for a tiny baby in the morgue? What about the specials for cases of wine and bottles of xanax?

...............

I suspect this extreme bitterness is brought on by P.la.n B. I don't know if it's a normal hormonal side effect or if the problem is more emotional. Next week I'll get a prescription for birth control at my annual doctors visit. Even as I type those words a deep ache settles into my belly and I wonder if I'll be able to say them outloud or if I should bring a written note expressing what I want to my doctor.

"I'm ready for birth control. Please give me the kind that keeps you period-free for 3 months because I want as few reminders as possible that I have functioning reproductive organs that are being unused. Furthermore, is it possible to do the three month thing with the N.uva R.ing so I don't have to be reminded every single day that I'm not getting a rainbow baby of my own?"

It's been almost two years and my arms still ache to hold Toren; my body still begs for a baby.

It's all very overwhelming sometimes. I can accept where my life is on most levels but there is still part that knows nothing other than the need to mother a child.

2009-09-29T14:58:00.003-04:00

You know, one of the biggest roadblocks I have to getting an official divorce is that I don't know what to do about my last name. My degrees have my married last name and I'm really proud of earning those...

Fuck, along with the huge issues of divorce, like heartache, there are so many emotionally charged little things that require decisions.

And you want to hear a confession? I think part of the reason why bill paying has not been a priority is because I wanted his credit to be ruined and I didn't care about mine. Now I am caring about mine more. It's shameful, but I want to hurt him.

This time two years ago I was madly in love! Now, love is not a predominant emotion for me (it is getting better though!).

After everything that has happened in the last 2 years I don't know what my name is. Any suggestions?

Without

2009-09-28T10:09:00.003-04:00

Day one without alcohol completed.

Again. How many day ones will there be?

And of course this decision is from another dose of reality where the statement "my drinking is out of control" flashed above me in neon.

Moving into day two, refreshed after a peaceful slumber curled up with a snugglebug who wants to support me in sobriety and who made us milkshakes last night that we enjoyed while sitting on his balcony. Just chatting without getting drunk.

Moving forward without my son - without the family that I wanted. One step then another without numbing. Moving without some people who were once so vital.

Moving with people who want what's good for me overall, and not just what will make me happier RIGHT NOW.

..............

Moving in a positive direction is surprisingly so scary. I resist and resist, over and over, clinging to what is long gone, some of which I no longer even want. But today is day two - another chance to try again.

"It's not enough to stay here almost trying"

Word

2009-09-09T11:09:00.003-04:00

Walking along the sidewalk was an older gentleman who looked normal - you know, clean clothes, appropriately groomed, serene expression - but every few steps he would wave his hands and loudly speak to no one. Over the traffic I only heard one word clearly:

"Motherfucker!"

If I didn't have a meeting to get to I would have seriously considered indulging my wish to park the little car and join him. We would be two regular, healthy appearing people vocalizing the random thoughts on our minds.

Perhaps he would be pissed that I joined him and then we could scream at each other. I imagine it would follow a pattern similar to sex with us ranting about merely annoying things before getting to the nitty gritty issues and once those were yelled out we'd smoke a cigarette, shake hands, and go our separate ways.

My random silent thoughts for today:

*I thought with frustration "Where's my bracelet?" while looking for the bracelet Zil made - the bracelet with Toren's name spelled out - that was immediately followed by "Where's my baby?". Even though I know that I don't have to worry about him, after all this time I still wish I had to.

* It's embarrassing to drive the little car. With only room for two people it's obvious to everyone that I have no family.

Want to share the random thoughts you are keeping silent?

2009-09-01T11:09:00.002-04:00

I don't/won't remember where I put my wedding ring after displacing it several months back because my heart cracked whenever I opened the jewelry box. The ring is very "me" - romantic and old fashioned in style; I used to feel so loved when I looked at it.

A missing ring for displaced love.

Last night I dreamt that the diamonds were falling out of the setting and were lost. I knew it would never be worth it to repair the ring.

It's doubtful that I'll ever sell it ... I'm not sure I'll have children to pass my valuable jewelry on to ... Maybe someday I'll be old and will be close to someone's little girl and can give it to her.

Here, this is for you, let me tell you a story of love ... A boy and a girl spent half of their lives together; he gave her this very ring because he truly loved her. They had a beautiful baby who turned into an angel and their love accompanied the angel boy up into the sky to stay with him forever where the rainbows and stars live.

That doesn't hurt

2009-08-28T13:27:00.002-04:00

Breathe! So much progress has been made!

It wasn't an agonizing stab - just a twinge and a subtle tightening in my chest ... it has to suck to be exhausted from feeding your child during the night and working full time during the day but it makes my head spin to hear complaints of how this woman's husband is not open to taking over some night feedings. It's hard to hear of feeding a baby as a chore when so many other people would consider it a luxury.

...........

Earlier this week, while in the shower worrying about getting intimate with boys because I'm heavier than I like, the usual "I don't like my body" thought was immediately followed by "I actually DO like my body!".

And I do! There are parts that don't conform to what is advertised as desirable but if I didn't worry about other people judging my shape I'd be rather satisfied with my appearance and my weight wouldn't be something I'd worry over much.

There still have been a few times since then where I've felt that familiar shame and even wondered if I should apologize - I'm sorry these tiny breasts aren't perkier. I'm sorry about the squishy tummy, it used to be so tight before Toren came and died and now I'm still so tired.

Body image is so complex! Any thoughts? Have you embraced your shape or any other features that could be considered "flaws"?

............

I'm seeing someone exclusively now; exactly one of the things I said I would never do. Why? Because I want to spend my free time with him, he's really nice to me, I have a good time with him, and most of the time I feel very comfortable around him - which is amazing since I'm so often uncomfortable.

You know how some walls must be lowered in order to get to know someone better? That is terrifying. When he says something sweet I tend to revert to a joke or silence. I can't really hear what he says because it's so hurtful to find out you've been lied to and it's so hurtful when true sentiments one day take an about face. Funny how kind words and gestures are so painful right now.

............

Another baby boy was born to a colleague.

A young woman at the nail salon asked what the date on my necklace signified and I told her the truth. She asked some thoughtful questions and I gently told her about his death and the end of my marriage - gently because I felt bad telling someone so young how sad life can become.

I wear the necklace everyday to work but no one here has ever asked about it.

This has been an incredibly unusual week.

Ready for a rant?

2009-08-17T17:48:00.002-04:00

To the ex:

ASSHOLE!

For fucks sake, what makes you think it is ok to call me at work to talk about the DIY divorce packages you have found on-line and how we have already talked about "everything".

Blink, blink.... excuse me... we have already talked about what? Because from where I sit we haven't talked about one goddamned thing!

Discussing the division of property/debt will be easy, the conversation that seems impossible to have is the one where he says why he suddenly checked out and ripped our life apart with no tangible warning. Yes, we had a very, very bad year but he said he just wanted space ... he said I didn't have to worry, I just had to wait for him to come around again. And yes, we had enormous problems before with all of his fucking I love you's and fucking around on the sly and all of the fucking lies and fucking dumb ass me believing that one day he would understand that it was wrong to cheat on me when he loved me. That he would stop loving me instead of becoming devoted to me never crossed my mind.

Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid Girl.

Why does this hurt? I never believed that he meant "separated", I knew that was his way of saying "divorce". Intellectually, I knew he was never coming back and I knew it would not be smart of me to get back together with him if he asked for it, but part of me still waits for him to truly love me.

How do I wrap my mind around my best friend leaving me?

How do I accept that the years worth of I love you's were untrue without my heart being crushed further?

How do I find a shred of self-respect when I put up with so much and just ended up getting so hurt?

How can I ever believe that other people actually like me when the person I was closest to didn't seem to really like me?

.............

I had a mostly productive day at work ...

In a year or so, this will slip into the sea

2009-08-12T17:17:00.003-04:00

Two years ago today Toren was just a vague wish ... just a hope for the future.

Contraception had ceased, prenatal vitamins commenced, and actively trying to conceive was planned for the upcoming winter. Meanwhile, I had been been feeling ill for a couple of weeks - nauseous, bloated, gloomy. On August 13, 2007, after listening to my frustrating and on-going symptoms a friend asked if I could be pregnant and while I thought it was unlikely, I picked up a pregnancy test on my way home from work anyway. Of course, that turned out to be positive and of course it turned out dismally.

But that was two years ago tomorrow. Two years ago today I had had a great summer with family visiting to attend my graduation, a trip to Seattle, plenty of time sitting by the neighborhood pool, and hanging out with friends. And then I felt sick for weeks, then so happy and excited, then so loved, then so worried, then so utterly heartbroken. And heartbroken is where I've remained.

One year ago today I was unexpectedly overwhelmed by tears from realizing that it had been a year since Toren hadn't been the primary topic of my thoughts. Now it's been two years since I felt the lightness of not worrying over him or missing him. Last year I wrote this:

"What I would give for thoughts from my self a year from now. Next August 12 will I be remarking on how much beauty and joy has entered my life or will it be another shell shocked statement of "didn't see that coming"?"

Well Anna from the past, if you could have heard your thoughts from the future, this is what you would have been told ...

You will still be a bit shell shocked from living another year without Toren and a good portion of a year without your husband - yes, he will leave your ass without hardly a word. But by August 12, 2009 you will also be so thankful for the joy that entered your life. You never would have believed that housemates would be a good situation for you but it is so great having C and L around! Also, you will spend this terrorversary with a boy - he's nice and fun to be around and tonight we see if he can cook.

.............

It's been a lousy year; the end of my marriage was so painful. But interspersed with sorrow is happiness. I'm so thankful.

.............

Tonight I see this guy for the third time; he's making me dinner. He is fun to be around and if we keep having a good time I'll definitely sleep with him and I'll be so good to him, but I will not confide in him, fall in love with him, need him, or see only him. I'm no longer that kind of girl.

...........

I like to listen to this LOUDLY

Space

2009-07-30T21:34:00.004-04:00

Years ago I read a magazine article that talked about creating space in your life for the things you want. For instance, say your winter coat is old and needs replacing but you keep wearing it on cold days because you haven't seriously searched for a new coat, and you haven't looked for a new coat because you still have the old coat. And you can't give away the old coat until you have a replacement, right? The article suggested getting rid of the old coat first because that creates space in your closet and life for something new.

For 21 months I've maintained heart-space and house-space for Toren. He will have his heart-space with me until the end of time but his house-space is gone. The almost-nursery is no longer waiting for the boy who can't come home.

Surprisingly, it's comforting to see the boxes that housemate L has already brought over stacked against the wall that never framed a crib. It's a relief that the space is no longer waiting to be filled.

On Saturday L and C move in. Fingers crossed that this will be a very positive change.

.....................

I'm doing badly ... I'm grateful for my new housemates and that I'm moving forward, but I really wanted Toren to live here, I really wanted my family to fill this house.

A while ago, stunned by how quickly a happy, hopeful life can turn horrific, I begged the Universe to release me from this hell ... I prayed for a change. The change is coming before I'm fully ready - there's still a part that can't accept that life continues after so much sorrow, there is still a part waiting for the nightmare to end in a reality that includes my baby safe and sound and my husband happy and present.

Anyway, a song to say goodbye

Crying in a good way

2009-07-24T20:37:00.002-04:00

Have you seen the wedding entrance dance on Youtoob? It is so cute and sweet.

I wish I may, I wish I might

2009-07-23T14:19:00.002-04:00

I wish to be someone else.

It's just one of those days where I crave company with people who "get it". I don't need to retell Toren's story, or cry over how much I miss my husband and son, I just don't want to have to smile and pretend like it's a great day anymore.